The Bachelor Recap: Week 1

Welcome, dear reader, to what is sure to be THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER of the Bachelor.

Watching the Bachelor and all of its related franchises is so much more than just watching a show. It is also following a shameful amount of these contestants on social media. I mean it’s also the camaraderie among the citizens of Bachelor Nation. I have no less than 10 ongoing text conversations every season about our feelings regarding the spectacle before our eyes every Monday evening. My feelings are plentiful, and I decided it was time to share them all with the world wide web.

I am a married, 30 year old mother of 2 boys. And yet I find myself mentally critiquing the contestants of the Bachelor, and imagining the various ways I would conduct myself on television to better secure the affections of a stranger currently being pursued by 30 other women, or at least the affections of 500,000 followers on Instagram.

As a simple disclaimer, if I were ever to find myself on reality television, I am certain I would act a fool. And somewhere, a blogger would write about my weird teeth or the way I say “shiiiiiz” when I’m trying not to swear. I also know editors pick and choose a narrative to create and I know that everyone on this show is a real person with real feelings. A risk of appearing on a television dating show is that random bloggers will good-heartedly poke fun at your fake eyelashes falling off as you cry, and I mean no ill will. Should any contestants somehow find this blog and take offense to my comments, I hope you find solace in your partnership with FabFitFun.

Another disclaimer, this is a spoiler free zone. I want to watch this natural and realistic love story to unfold in front of my eyes, under the watchful stewardship of Chris Harrison.

This 3 hour premier was jam packed with tears, right reasons, and fake boobs, so buckle up folks. The flight attendants will be about the cabin with refreshments in an hour.

THE BACHELOR, SEASON 24

Season premiere: Brought to you by our sponsor, double sided boob tape, without whom, this episode would not have been possible.

We open on Our Bachelor, the windmill infamous Peter Weber. He is looking fly as hell. (Fly, get it? I don’t know if you’ve heard once or 3,000 times, but he’s a pilot.) And Peter is ready to love.

They say death and taxes are the only sure things in life. But I would also add airplane-themed double entendre and unending windmill references to the list of things you can damn sure count on in this world. At count, this episode we clocked an impressive 14 references to the 4 windmill bangs heard round the world. I watched this episode on Hulu, so in 126 minutes, the windmill was referenced 14 times, bringing us to an average of one cringe worthy mention every 9 minutes. I expect this rate to continue for the duration of the season.

The first night was a parade of double entendre, windmill jokes, visible sternums, and a shocking amount of lip locking. 4 lucky ladies locked lips with our bachelor, and I hope no one had a cold sore.

For night one, girls were fairly cordial, and mostly kept their claws retracted. Hannah Ann stole Peter an unprecedented 3 times, resulting in a confrontation with Shiann. And by “confrontation”, I mean they had a competition for who could smile and make the most passive aggressive compliments towards each other. Shiann skulks off after Hannah dishes a devastating blow with “Have a great night, I’ll see you around!” Get your dukes up, ladies.

Let’s meet the ladies vying for Pilot Peter’s heart.

Hannah Ann

The 23 year old model from Tennessee is one to watch. She secures the first impression rose, kisses Peter twice, and ticks off every girl in the house. I can’t decide if she really is sweet, or if she’s a really clever mean girl, but either way, she’s top 2 material for sure.

Tammy

Tammy is a 24 year old house flipper, and a fighter. I smell villain material here. She gave Peter a very uncomfortable pat down and a kiss that did not seem entirely consensual, but still secured her a rose.

Victoria P.

Victoria P. is another one to watch. She has already cried several times, but she’s sweet and cute, and Peter is definitely into her. Rose.

Kelley

Kelley has a leg up on the competition and a giant target on her back after this episode. Kelley and Peter previously met in a hotel lobby and it’s clear there’s quite a spark there. Get this girl a rose.

Madison

Madison entered in a giant paper airplane, which I found on the border of cute and unfortunate, but Peter was into it. She nabs a rose.

Maurissa

Maurissa gets to go back to her job of helping people feel beautiful as a patient care coordinator for plastic surgeons, because this beauty went home without a rose.

Alayah

Alayah brings Peter a letter her Grandmother wrote for him. I spent a good 2 minutes wondering where in the world in that dress she stored an envelope. They bond over both having Grandmas named Rose. Sweet Grandma Rose gets her grand daughter a rose.

Sydney

Sydney gets a rose, but I swear I have never seen her before in my life.

Sarah

We didn’t see much of Sarah on the first night, but I sense she’s going far, and Peter gives her a rose.

Lauren

Lauren wears a skintight and sheer jumpsuit, which Peter calls her “power suit.” I doubt anyone feels particularly powerful with a sequined jumpsuit gathered about their ankles while going pee, but it still gets her a rose.

Mykenna

Mykenna is Cassie from Colton’s season rebooted. She gets a rose.

Kelsey

I do not remember her at all, but Peter does enough to give her a rose.

Eunice

The first in a string of flight attendants. Their mutual love of the skies isn’t enough to secure her a rose.

Jade

Another flight attendant bites the dust. No rose.

Megan

I’m beginning to think Peter has been in the ring with a few flight attendants in his past, and it went poorly, because all of the flight attendants were sent a’packin. No rose.

Shiann

Shiann gives Peter a barf bag for the nauseating conversations surely in his future, and he gives her a rose in return.

Courtney

Courtney rides a very tiny toy airplane in a very tight dress and it takes a very long time and made me feel very awkward. Peter dug it, she gets a rose.

Kiarra

Kiarra zips herself into a suitcase, a feat impressive of contortion, and Peter applauds her moxie with a rose.

Lexi

Lexi rolls up in a sexy red car, always a baller move. It makes up for the velvet dress that I think I also wore in my 8th grade choir concert. Admittedly, she wears it better. Rose.

Deandra

Deandra wears a windmill on her back. Eyeroll. Rose.

Payton

Another blonde girl, another rose. Mentions Peter’s 4 times. Ugh.

Jasmine

Mentions Peter’s 4 times, but in Chinese. Rose.

Kylie

Kylie gives Peter a string of condoms. He is not amused, and Kylie doesn’t get a rose.

Katrina

Katrina is talks about her hairless cat, but calls it a term I will not repeat because this is a family blog, and I am very pleased that Peter sends her packing. No rose.

Victoria F.

I believe Victoria F. is deeply unstable. But she is very funny and I hope she sticks around awhile longer, even if I am still a little about her dry humor joke. Her fake “I’m so happy for you” smile was my favorite moment of the show. This girl gon’ be drama and I’m here for it.

via GIPHY

Jenna

Jenna brought her emotional support cow, Ashley P. My favorite part of this schtick was when Jenna explained her intro to Tammy and this poor idiot truly believed that Jenna had an emotional support cow, and Jenna had to explain that it was a joke. Bless her heart. Rose for Jenna. No rose for the cow Ashley P., but for me at least, that old gal is in my top 5.

Savannah

Savannah blind folded Peter and told him to focus on how he feels. I focused on my feeling of deep discomfort as she planted a kiss on this virtual stranger. Peter apparently felt otherwise and gives her a rose.

Alexa

I like her hair. She gets a rose. I can not conjure up any other thoughts.

Avonlea

I don’t remember her. Neither does Peter, no rose.

Natasha

She was there and she got a rose. That’s all I got.

Hannah B.

Hannah is playing ABC Primetime Bingo. The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor, Dancing with the Stars, and Bachelor Take 2… Homegirl’s got herself a bingo. She returns the wings Peter gave her on her first night, and Peter tears up as he tells the girls at the house. He’s still got it bad, dudes.

I am well and truly exhausted, and we’re only halfway through!

FIRST GROUP DATE- “LOOK UP”

Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tami, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P, Jasmine, Victoria F.

These ladies are headed to flight school. A couple of bad ass real life female military pilots try their very best to not openly mock their rag tag group of recruits and puts them through the paces. And by “the paces”, I mean a few some trivia questions, a spinning chair, and an obstacle course. My USAFA pilot husbands confirms that this is exactly like pilot training, right down to the push up sports bras. The girls are unsurprisingly horrible at trivia, and I am somewhat concerned that only one of them seems to know how many feet are in a mile.

The girls move over to the gyroscope, to spin and shriek and freak out. Victoria P is experiencing PTSD from a traumatic teacups vomiting incident. Her fears are realized, but she at least makes it to the bathroom, and Peter is there to give her water and hug her (and wisely skips the kiss).  

We move on to the obstacle course; a dignified and scientific assessment for compatibility with Peter.

Hannah Ann brings it home with some killer Top Gun quotes and immediately endears herself to me.  All of the girls run and push and throw some ‘bows for a chance at a sunset ride with Pete the Pilot. Tammy and Kelley go head to head on tricycles. Cries of cheating ensue, and Tammy is pissed. Alas, Peter values gumption over rules, and Kelley flies off into the sunset. Many tears are shed back on the tarmac. 

Kelley walks into a group of girls who say “You look so cute!” with their mouths, but “You are a cheating skank” with their eyes and the following stony silence.

Victoria P is more serious now, with her glasses. Perhaps her gyro-barfing rendered her unable to wear her contacts. Peter appreciates her vulnerability and braveness, and feels confident that she has brushed her teeth since, and rewards her with a kiss. The camera zooms in far enough to see that tongue was heavily involved and I feel violated. 

Shiann’s time with Peter is interrupted by Kelley and her fiery anger matches her red jumpsuit. Kelley and Peter reenact their first meeting, which I begrudgingly admit is v. cute. Peter and Kelley share a super hot kiss on the bar, and I am instantly transported to Peter and Hannah’s horizontal and steamy kiss on the pool table and I have to fetch my smelling salts. 

Shiann and all the gals back on the couch strongly disagree. This cheating cheater face is getting her mans and they are displeased. You know what they say, all is fair in love and tricycle races. 

Kelley gets the date rose, and the girls collectively imagine impaling her with it. Watch your back, Kelley.

ONE- ON- ONE DATE- “I want to show you what forever looks like” 

Madison 

Peter brings Madison to his parent’s home, where all of their friends and family are gathered to watch them renew their vows. Yowza, the deck for this date is real emotionally loaded. 

“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but want to come to my back yard and watch my parents get re-married, maybe?”

On this date, Peter spoke Spanish, officiated his parent’s vow renewal, got emotional it all, and Madison and women everywhere swooned. 

Madison and Peter bond about their both of their parents’ long and happy marriages and their excitement for this journey, and Madison happily accepts the date rose. Peter whisks Madison off to a private concert by Tenille Arts, who I only know about from previous private Bachelor concerts, and the two slow dance and make out. Peter declares the evening a fairytale, and the whole fam comes to jam. 

GROUP DATE- “I hope this isn’t awkward”

Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mckenna, Alayah, Savannah

We knew this was coming. ABC Executives high fived and fist bumped all across the board room when one genius piped up, “Guys. Peter is too normal and happy. Let’s put his heart in a blender. Let’s bring Hannah back.” 

Peter and we as a collective audience are being emotionally manipulated. I’m mad, but I’m here for it. 

No one knows what the group date entails. We open on Hannah Brown, next to a windmill. She says “Peter put me in charge today. That was a terrible idea on his part.” What could she possibly mean? I’ve always wanted to go on a date with my boyfriend’s ex, standing next to an homage to the night he ravished her not once, but 4 times. Hannah tells the story of their dating history, including the historic windmill night, and every person in the room wishes they could bury themselves underneath the floor. 

Hannah invites all of the women to share a personal story about sex, in front of Peter, each other, and a live audience. That classic date. The girls are understandably irked by Peter’s former flame and grumpily and awkwardly try to write their experiences. 

Cut to Peter, finding Hannah an emotional mess in a room by herself. Peter confesses that part of him wishes Hannah was doing more than dropping off the wings when she came by on the first night. I feel very distressed by their emotions and by the entire tube of mascara under Hannah’s eyes. The star crossed lovers rehash the rejection and questioning and confusion of seasons past and mascara continues to run down Hannah’s face. 

Peter finally says the line they’ve teased us with for weeks “What would you say if I asked you to be part of this, and come back to the house?” The emotions overcome Hannah, and she moves across the room, declaring that she doesn’t know. Peter asks if she regrets sending her home and Hannah admits to questioning it all of the time. We rehash the end of Hannah’s season, and it is clear that these two are still really carrying a torch for each other. Peter thought he was over her and that door was closed, but then he sees her standing by that windmill and he remembers what they had… 4 times, if I remember correctly.

Where do we go from here?? Is Hannah going to be stampeded by a throng of angry women in stilletos? Are Peter and Hannah going to give it another go? Will we ever make it more than 15 minutes without a reference to the windmill? I am dying to hear your every thought.