Peter really feels like he has the right 4 women that are left. Really, Pete? I mean, to be fair, you started with 30 attention-seeking dumb dumbs and have whittled it down to the 4 most committed to their craft of being an attention-seeking dumb dumb. So, if that’s what you’re after, you’re nailing it, bud.
HOMETOWN HANNAH ANN
Knoxville
Where in the world does Hannah Ann shop for her clothes? Baby Gap? OshKoshB’Gosh? Hannah Ann tosses aside her transparent umbrella to shimmy her red stretchy shirt into Peter’s embrace. Hannah Ann and Peter throw axes in front of an entire crowd of plaid shirt clan spectators. I can not imagine a more boring event to attend. Where did they rustle up these people? “Hey, do you have a plaid shirt? Do you love watching boring people throw axes very badly? Are you dying to see your profile or foot in the background on national television? Then do I have an event for you, come on in.”
To be clear, I am 100% making fun of this event and all people attending, and I would also 100% attend, should such an opportunity be presented to me. What can I say, I DO love watching boring people throw axes very badly, and I oh so fondly wish to be in the background on national television.
I’ve spent this whole season trying to figure out who Hannah Ann reminds me of, and I finally figured it out.
Hannah Ann is Bianca Straford. Ditsy and fake innocent little baby who is dumb as a rock and mean to Julia Styles.
Peter checked “yes” on Hannah’s love letter and wrote her one back. He unfolds the intricate triangle he folded it into, and tells Hannah everything he loves about her, including her prada backpack and especially her cherry lipsmackers.
The train to being in love pulls into the station at Hannah Ann’s humble abode. Hannah and Peter tell the family that they went axe throwing, and her mom says “Oh, you would have loved that!” to Hannah’s dad. Hannah’s Dad’s facial expression reads that he would have enjoyed that about as much as he would have enjoyed a root canal. This guy is great. He gushes to the camera about how happy he is to have Hannah home, and adds, “And Peter’s here…” Like, this would be a real fun family reunion if Hannah hadn’t brought along this ding dong.
Hannah and her very pretty sister cry about Hannah being in love and being in the final 4 for prom queen. Peter gushes to Hannah’s mom that Hannah is falling in love with him. My jaw feels sore watching her clench her teeth through a very forced smile. When it’s Peter’s turn to get grilled by Pops, Hannah Ann’s dad doesn’t beat around the bush and asks Peter straight up how he feels about Hannah compared to the other girls. Peter reads the notes written onto the palm on his hand that his publicist told him to recite whenever he’s put into a hot spot. “What I can tell you is that the situation is being handled with utmost caution and integrity and synergy and no further comments at this time.”
Hannah’s dad cautions Peter not to tell Hannah he’s falling in love with her unless he’s sure. I think Hannah’s dad means, don’t tell her that unless you’re sure Hannah is the one you’re going to end up with, but Peter interprets this as, “Don’t tell Hannah you’re falling in love with her unless you really want to and think it’ll get you a step closer to seeing her brand new training bra.” Just like every girl always dreams of, Peter stumbles through the preamble of her dad disapproving, and then clumsily tells her he’s falling in love. She responds by upping the love ante with the “IN love with you” bit. Homegirl aint falling, she’s there.
HOMETOWN KELSEY
Iowa
I would be content to fast forward through this whole day. I have no interest in this relationship. Kelsey and Peter stomp grapes and then make wine. Peter can’t think of a more fitting date for them. I’ve got some ideas. They could watch paint dry together. Or go to the DMV. Maybe they could sort buttons. But I guess watching people taste wine is just about as boring as I would expect from these two.
Kelsey tells Peter she’s in love with him with the exact same level of emotion and depth as when my husband told me we were out of paper towels this morning. And honestly, my heart was more invested in the paper towel news. And I think our next roll of paper towels will last longer than this relationship.
At home with Kelsey’s family, Peter gets to taste his first crab rangoon, which elicits more emotion than I’ve seen in him in this entire day. Kelsey takes to the couch with the gang of blonde sisters, and talk vaguely about all that she and Peter have had to overcome. Like the champagne. And like…? I’m not really sure. Peter and Kelsey’s mom chat, Kelsey and her stepdad chat, and I go to refresh my beverage. Much talk of being in love and being scared and don’t hurt my little girl and etc.
Kelsey’s Mom is SHOCKED that Kelsey has made it this far. She never ever ever EVER expected her whiny and bland little girl to actually keep this thing rolling this long. You and me both, Mama Kelsey. Kelsey tells Peter she loves him. Peter responds far less enthusiastically than he did to the crab rangoons.
HOMETOWN MADISON
Auburn
Madison and Peter called each other on the phone the night before the date to confirm that they would be wearing matching dark jeggings for their date. They walk around Auburn and head to the basketball arena. Peter tells Madison that he’s really good at half court shots, and then misses by a truly embarrassing margin.
Anyone here watch 30 Rock? Have you ever seen the episode where Liz Lemon dates John Hamm, who is super good looking so everyone treats him differently and he thinks he’s good at everything because of it?
The handsome bubble? I am getting some real vibes of that from Peter. His mom and dad always told him he was their special handsome boy, and now the whole nation is telling him that, and he truly believes he is good at half court shots and axe throwing and dating even when faced with such damning evidence to the contrary.
The head coach of Auburn comes out to tell Peter about how great Madison’s family is, and then Madison school’s Peter’s nerdy little butt on the court. This is the most I’ve been into Madi this whole season. Girl’s a baller!
Madi’s adorable family has a special plate for one person at dinner, where each person says something special about the special plate-holder. Now that’s adorbs. The say a prayer, and Peter looks visibly nervous that a bolt of lightening will smite him in his 4 times in a windmill sinful state. Madi’s dad is looking for something from Peter to confirm that his feelings for Madison are genuine, and Politician Peter comes out again to tell him “I can tell you that I think she’s really nifty.”
Madison is all in her feels; not sure that Peter’s spirit is one with her spirit. Sweet, pure Madison… The guy you are worried will try to tarnish your delicate flower is the same guy who is famous for just how prolifically he tarnishes flowers in windmills. She continues to sit on the little nugget of information that the fantasy suite is not going to be very fantastical until he’s made an honest women outta her.
The people of Bachelor Nation are campaigning for Madison to be the next Bachelorette if she doesn’t end up with Peter, and I am here to cast my vote in opposition. After Colton’s season, I can not stand another season endlessly discussing someone’s virginity.
HOMETOWN VICTORIA
Virginia Beach
Quick poll: How many of you have ever jumped and straddled a man in public? I have never done this. I’ve never seen a person do this, besides on this show. Does this happen often? Is this just a cool past time of skinny beautiful people? I would have to be dating an olympic lifter to feel confident executing this move. And yet every season, every girl launches herself trustingly and enthusiastically into the waiting arms of the Bachelor.
Victoria and Peter take some old timey photos, and eat the most delicious looking ice cream cones I’ve ever seen. Victoria allows her dog to eat some, thus proving that girls who look like that don’t eat ice cream cones that look like that. I’ll take the ice cream cone over the six pack every time. Clearly.
The two walk to a concert in a park, where Hunter Hayes is crooning, “I don’t want easy, I want crazy” You got it, Pete. This can’t be a coincidence that these are the lyrics Pete and Victoria dance to. Bachelor producers, you crafty little devils.
A girl with a blurry face named Marissa calls out to Peter, and we later learn she is an ex of Peter’s. She tells Peter to be careful. “You’re a good guy, and you don’t deserve what you’re on a date with right now.” Woooo, savage. Blurry Marissa claims many relationships have been broken up because of Victoria.
Peter is so angry that someone came and rained on his parade. He looks like a sulky little boy, who has just been told that Spiderman is not real, and Spiderman is also a slut.
Before heading in to meet the fam, Peter asks Victoria about what blurry Marissa said. Victoria responds like any sane and innocent person would to this conversation, and lashes out at Peter for the constant dramaaaaaaa. How dare he be concerned. How dare he not continue ignoring the enormous red flags surrounding her? Victoria dissolves into tears in Peter’s embrace, and the next thing I knew, Peter was getting into the SUV. I literally had to rewind. Did I miss something? Did they break up? There are still 18 minutes left of this episode, what’s going down?
Victoria shows up to Peter’s hotel room the next morning, interrupting Peter moodily staring out the window. Peter appears to finally have a grip on her craziness, making rational sense for the first time this season, but Victoria’s big brown eyes reel him back in, and he’s not ready to give up on this yet. Because in the words of Hunter Hayes, Peter does not want easy, he wants crazy. And he’s got it on lock.
ROSE CEREMONY
Kelsey and Victoria both arrive in long sleeve hunter green shiny dresses. It’s clear that only one green dress can survive.
ROSES
Hannah Ann (duh), Madison(duh), Victoria (WHAT?)
NO ROSE
Kelsey
As pleased as I am to say goodbye to Kelsey, Peter is such an idiot for keeping Victoria around. Girl is clearly nuts. Peter walks Kelsey out, and to her credit, she handles the whole thing pretty well. I’m almost a little sad for her. We’ve upgraded to the rejection limo over the rejection SUV, and Kelsey is on her way back to Iowa.
Peter is taking his sexy baby (Hannah), virgin baby (Madison), and whiny baby (Victoria) off to Australia!
And apparently Madison is going to throw down the “don’t sleep with anyone gauntlet”. This will go well.
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