We’re going to Peru! Fun fact, my uncle got married on top of Machu Picchu! And if that marriage is any indication, things are also going to end poorly for our dear friend Peter. Who I believe is a pilot?
Pilot Pete in Peru is skyping with his mom in his hotel room. I feel very confused whenever Peter speaks Spanish. It is almost as unlikely as a dog suddenly standing up and speaking perfect English. He is so very white, and I don’t just mean in skin color. His dance moves, his extremely tight man-capris, his blonde hair.. And then he speaks Spanish and it sounds so good and fluent and I forget for a minute what a nerdy honky he is.
Aaaand then he launches into his little “I like you guys so please like me back or go home” speech and I remember that he’s kind of a weenie. This speech reminds me of when you would try to get your crush to tell you who they had a crush on, and they said, “I’l tell if you tell” and you were preeeetty sure they were going to say they had a crush on you, but not sure enough to say you had a crush on them. This is Peter saying, “All y’all better say you have a crush on me and say it fast or else I’m going to tell a different girl that I have a crush on them.”
Also, Hannah Ann is wearing a blue parachute.
ONE-ONE-ONE
“I think you’re a catch”
Madison
After a heated battle on eBay, Madison finally got her claws on one of those one size fits all crinkly expanding shirts that I pined after in middle school. Peter keeps leaning his forehead in her direction and she refuses to notice that he got his bandage removed. How could you miss it? That thing was enormous.
Madison mentions how happy she was to see Peter this morning at the hotel room. Wait, hold up. Peter came to the hotel room and all of the girls were all in completely different outfits then when the date card came, and now Madison is in yet a third outfit. Did this day start at 4 a.m.? How many outfits did these girls bring??
Peter and Madison go fishing and make out like Rose and Jack from Titanic. It looks very awkward and unnatural. I feel like Madison and Peter have zero chemistry. The most they have going for them is that they are the most sane among this group of lunatics. And this is not high praise for either of them; it is like being the tallest midget.
That night, in 3000 rambling words, Madison communicates, “I want my future husband to be religious.”
And in a 3000 word rambling response, Peter answers, “I’m kinda religious?” Madison finds this to be sufficient. To make up for not being churchy enough, Peter pulls out the big guns. For possibly the first time in this franchise history, Our Bachelor tells one of the gals that HE is falling in love with HER, before she says it. And Madison responds by nearly swallowing her bottom lip whole and then mumbling, “I’m so glad you said that. Like, so glad.” To distract him from noticing she did not return his “falling in love” volley, they make out, and this very boring couple is headed to ‘Bama next week.
This is the so-very-natural order of things in Bachelor Univrse: Contestant says they are falling in love with the Bachelor/ette. Falling is rewarded with a hometown date. Contestant says they’re IN love with the Bachelor/ette. Then, when they are one of the final two or three, they tell them that they are done falling, and they love them. We’ve been doing this for 24 seasons and it almost never works, so why fix something that is clearly broken?!? Tradition!
ONE-ON-ONE
“Vamos a explorar” (Not that you’d know it said that from the butchering of the Spanish language by Hannah Ann reading the date card.
Natasha
I’m not really sure how Natasha has squeaked by and made it this far. I don’t recall ever seeing her have a conversation with Peter. But Natasha is off to a great start on her date, and Peter is very pleased that she noticed his bandage is gone.
The pair wander around Peru and eat Peruvian food and buy Peruvian souvenirs. Who gives Peter his spending money for these dates? Do they give him an allowance? Does he have to run back to his handler and ask for money? Does he lay down on the street and cry like my 5 year old if his handler tells him he’s bought too many treats and can’t have anymore?
Peter is trying so hard to be into Natasha, and it’s just not happening. He picks up the rose at dinner so he can make a speech about how he’s not giving it to her. Natasha seems way more bugged than heartbroken. I have a feeling we’ll see more of her in Paradise.
ONE-ON-ONE
“Love is a wild ride”
Kelsey
So many cool experiences are wasted on these nervous little princesses. I want to ride an ATV in the mountains of Peru! Kelsey rides at about 3 mph and looks miserable the entire time. When they stop for a picnic, Peter makes Kelsey jog up the side of a mountain. If I were Kelsey, I would have left right that minute. We are on national television, friend. I do not want to jog up the mountain in these jeans that I had to be sewed inside and risk sweating off my eyelash extensions. Instead of hopping back on her ATV to drive very slowly back to civilization, she sprawls on top of Peter on the side of the mountain.
Peter tells Kelsey they had such a great date today, and praises Kelsey for not crying the entire day. Boy, the bar is really low for a good day with Kelsey. Their dinner conversation is so boring, and they’re headed to Iowa, because Peter gives her a rose. Why am I just not into ANY of these relationships? None of them seem like a good companion for a lifelong marriage, or even just for a long car ride.
Actual photo of Bachelor producers trying to arrange the dates to make sure there is adequate drama and tension on the group date before home towns.
GROUP DATE
“Tomorrow won’t be easy”
Victoria F., Hannah Ann, Kelley
Hannah Ann has proven with each date that she can count to 4, and subtract how many roses are left for the group date. 2 roses for this date, 3 girls. They all drive in stony silence to meet their boyfriend. They continue in uncomfortable silence as an old man tells them about being married for a long time.
Hannah Ann had a stroke while getting dressed this morning, and appears to be wearing a prom dress on top, black jeans, and black athletic shoes. I’m worried about her. Or maybe she was just too busy writing her love list for Peter, complete with hearts dotting her eyes. At the bottom she wrote, “Will you give me a rose? Check yes or no.” Peter writes his reply on the back, folds the note into a fortune teller and gives it to his friend to give to Hannah Ann when he sees her in the hall after gym class.
Kelley is cool as a cucumber. She tells Peter that drama does not a good relationship make, and Peter visibly pouts. Peter reminds me of a naive teenage girl who thinks that screaming and fighting and being dramatic is a sign of passion in a relationship. He does not want to hear anything to the contrary, and decides to refresh his thirst for drama by fetching Victoria for a chat.
Victoria is tired of Peter always being in a mood. Peter is tired of Victoria giving him reasons to doubt. And Victoria is so mad that Peter hasn’t asked her to Prom yet.
Peter clasps his forehead. Voldemort must be near. Or these girls are giving him a major headache.
Peter sulks over to his trio and walks Victoria over to the rejection SUV. He drags out a speech and then gives her a rose. That was some contrived drama. The rejection SUV ends up being the smug ride back to the hotel SUV and our trio is down to two. Peter gives the last rose to Hannah Ann, and the emotional turmoil is too much to bear, and she breaks down into heaving sobs.
He walks Kelley out, and I think Kelley is more sad about missing out on some more cool trips around the world than she is about Peter. She gave all of her tears to Hannah Ann and shoulder shrugs her way home. She washes her hands on this nonsense to return to her actual job; no partnership with FabFitFun required.
Peter is looking for a roller coaster romance, and every girl in this group is ready to pull some hair to get a chance to wear his letterman’s jacket. Woof, what a rag tag bunch of nut jobs we have left for Peter.
The best I can say about Madison is that she’s not a psycho like Kelsey, emotionally unstable like Victoria, and not 13 year old like Hannah Ann. I honestly want Hannah B to come back. Seeing her come out of the limo is the happiest Peter’s been all season.
Kelley sums up this entire season:
ABC teases us again with the promised drama of the end of the season, and I am dying to watch this crazy train roll through the station. What happens when Madison tells Peter she’s a virgin? What does Chris Harrison tell Peter when he’s about to propose?? WHO is Peter’s mom talking about!?!? She can not possibly have such strong feelings for any of these women. Did Peter bring the family dog along, and Peter’s mom is worried that he is going to leave her there? That absolutely makes more sense than her insisting through tears that Peter bring one of these drama queens home.
Thank you so much for posting these, they’re literally hilarious and make me laugh harder than when i’m arch the show.
Hahaha, this makes me so happy! This show is so ridiculous and laughing at it is my favorite part of watching all of the ridiculous nonsense!