I hope your eyes have recovered from all of the rolling they did last week, and your mouth rested from grimacing, because for the second time this week, we are seeing who is here for the right reasons and ready for love, and we’re doing it in Santiago, Chile!
Peter is thrilled to share that he had his stitches removed. Did candy come spilling out when they removed the paper mache covering his wound?
The girls are still licking their wounds from the drama of last week. Mykenna says she was upset by the cancellation of the cocktail party, which is the understatement of the century. The look on Victoria P’s face while she watched Mykenna hiccup through her snotty tears is the most I’ve liked her this whole show.
Peter arrives on scene and grabs Hannah Ann to go explore Chile. Hannah Ann is obviously a beautiful girl. I swear to you she is wearing the same stir up pants I wore in 2nd grade. I did not think such a gorgeous girl could wear anything that would be unflattering, but she’s done it. They are such a strange combination of baggy and tight and I just don’t think they were a good idea. I also did not think it was a good idea for Peter to shove a mayonnaise stuffed hotdog into Hannah’s face, but here we are. I am just counting my blessings that we did not have to suffer through a sloppy mayonnaise-filled kiss after that debacle.
As traditional as the forgoing of your individual rooms, our bachelor couple always seems to find a couple in whatever country they are in that has been married for a long time. I have so many questions about this process. Is it the job of some Bachelor intern to walk around and harass couples until they find an adequately adorable couple and promise them an autographed photo of Chris Harrison if they come talk to the Bachelor couple and give them generic marriage advice?
Hannah Ann has never been in love before, and this makes Peter nervous. He asks her if she’s really ready for this, and she responds in trained pageant nonsense:
“You only catch minnows in the shallows. Let’s go deep. Like, such as, the South Africa. World peace.”
Peter wants to go deep so bad with her. Gross. It is the theme of this season that Peter will ask a girl a relatively straight forward question – What have your past relationships been like? Are you ready to get married? What’s your middle name? And the girl will answer in dizzying, roundabout doublespeak, rife with nonsensical analogy; leaving Peter scratching his head in confusion. To avoid dissecting this further, he will then make out with them.
Peter leaves the table to stare moodily out a window, and Hannah knows it’s time to pull out the big guns. So she thinks about clothes purchased from Costco and catching minnows in shallow water, drives a bobby pin into her leg to summon some tears and tells Peter she’s falling in love with him. Peter predictably goes to fetch a rose. No wonder Peter rewards these girls’ hissy fits, it’s a move from his own play book! If your girl isn’t doing what she wants, you march your beautiful face to the corner and pout until she says she loves you. It works every time.
Group Date
“Luz, camera, y accion.”
Sydney, Natasha, Kelsey, Victoria P, Madison, Tammy, Kelley, Mykenna
Mykenna is devastated to be on another group date, and runs off to hold her baby blanket close and listen to her favorite Justin Bieber songs on her iPad while she crosses out the “Mrs. Peter Weber” she wrote in glitter gel pen in her Lisa Frank notebook.
Because there just isn’t enough drama going on in the household, our gang goes to film a soap opera. Peter is dressed as a pilot. Weird. Is he a pilot?
The plot of the telenovela is basically this: Peter is a pilot. Weird. Is he a pilot? And all of the girls are also there. And he makes out with all of them at different times, in front of all of the rest of them. I don’t think in the history of this show, I have ever seen so much making out in front of the other girls.
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives, and I wish fondly that this show had 95% more Chris Harrison with a mustache and 95% less of everything else.
After filming “Days of Our Bachelor Making Out”, it’s time for the evening’s cocktail party.
Victoria P wants to communicate how serious she is, so she’s wearing her glasses. To further show the serious nature of what she needs to communicate, she climbs into Peter’s lap. She begins to weave a tapestry of her truth and her betrayal and just as she’s winding up to tell Peter how serious she is about him, he cuts her off and says he can’t see her as his wife.
Like Mr. Potato Head, Victoria P whips off her sweet and loving eyes and replaces them with her angry eyes. She doesn’t want Peter’s apologies, she is just worried about him. This girl. She is a manipulative nightmare. She could stab someone with that same smile plastered on her face. And then get them to apologize to her.
I noticed Madison for the first time in 2 weeks when all of the ladies walked in, and I had honestly forgotten she was still on the show. I wasn’t really feeling Madison when this show started, but being surrounded by a bunch of absolutely bat shit crazy women really has a way of making you look real good. Peter and Madison read some painfully cheesy soap opera script, and then talk about their religious beliefs and political leanings. JK, they make out.
Mid reaching for Madison’s uvula with his tongue, Peter hears girls yelling and practically jogs up the stairs to get himself all up in it, leaving poor Madison, still mouth agape.
Bring that rejection SUV back and let’s toss all of these jokers in there. The girls are fighting about reasons and Natasha’s eyeroll is all of us.
In one of the first logical and sane decisions Peter has made this season, the group date rose goes to Madison.
One-on-One Date
“I feel like we didn’t get a fair shot”
Victoria F
I would literally pee my pants if the ABC producers somehow rustled up another ex-boyfriend for them to stumble upon on their horse ride. I can think of nothing that would delight me more than Chase Rice galloping up on horseback. But we’re going to have to rely on Victoria’s insecurities on their own to sabotage their date, and I think that’s plenty.
Peter is absolutely begging Victoria to say she is falling in love with him, or could possibly someday see herself falling in love with him, or even just that she likes his jacket, and the pressure causes Victoria to feel so uncomfortable, she feels physically ill. She excuses herself to throw up, and Peter and Victoria both throw emotional hissy fits to their handlers. Why is this so harrrrrrrrrd. Victoria very ineffectively fixes her hair every 2 seconds. She pushes it back without actually removing it from her face and I want to get her a headband because perhaps she would be able to process her feelings without her hair on her face.
To avoid confronting the clear lack of compatibility and interest for another week, Peter offers Victoria a rose, and she says “yeah sure whatever.”
TWO-ON-ONE
“Enough is enough”
Tammy and Mykenna
Two and one dates are a gift to us. Let’s just abandon all pretense and toss these two jokers in on a date and watch it burn. I want to look up if anyone on this show has ever won after going on a two on one date, but I’m too lazy, so I am instead just going to make a baseless claim and say that it is truth. If you find yourself on a 2 on 1 date, just know that you are not ending your journey with a Neil Diamond rock on yo finga.
Mykenna takes a seam ripper to her hot pink romper of group date past and to turns it into an almost identical hot pint dress. As Tammy and Mykenna sit like petulant toddlers on the time out couch, Mykenna pulls the notecard she tucked into her sideboob and reads the speech she’s been practicing in the mirror about what a strong woman she is. She is nearly to her favorite quote from The Lizzy McGuire Movie when Peter arrives and rescues Tammy from that vicious tongue lashing.
Tammy goes to chat with Peter and I’m picking up what she’s putting down until she claims that Mykenna takes this lightly. I’m not sure there is a human alive that has taken anything more seriously. I have taken childbirth less seriously than Mykenna has taken every moment of this journey.
I am really tired of people “speaking their truth.” Let’s just speak THE truth. The truth here is that Mykenna has the maturity of a 13 year old girl and Tammy is abrasive and neither of them are good for Peter.
Mykenna anxiously bounces around in her Pepto Bismol pink dress while Tammy sits in icy silence and they wait for Peter to read his verdict. To Mykenna’s credit, she does not immediately get up and do a cartwheel when Peter announces that he believes her truth and kicks Tammy to the curb. Mykenna wraps up the macarena and joins the rest of the ladies for the cocktail party.
Peter gets his obligatory mack on with the remaining women. This is working for him. It is? This feels like it’s going well to you, Pete? I’m worried about you.
ROSES
Victoria F., Hannah Ann, Madison, Kelsey, Natasha, Kelley
NO ROSE
Tammy, Victoria P, Sydney, Mykenna
Girls are dropping like fake eyelashes in a steam room.
Mykenna’s moral victory against Tammy is short lived and she abandons all pretenses of maturity and makes the exact same face my 5 year old makes when I tell him he can’t have ice cream for breakfast.
Peter is basically saying to her, “I believe you, I just don’t like you.”
Sydney is also leaving and my only thoughts on that are “see ya never.”
I can’t believe we are already down to 6 women left. Did they press fast forward on the rate of girls going home this season because they knew early on that all of these women were just the worst and Peter is a boring pushover?
Next week we’re headed to Peru, where the Mykenna was pass the torch of insanity to blubbering and panicking Victoria. Woof.
My top picks right now for who I want to see win this season?
Ashley P
Chris Harrison
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