6 hours of the Bachelor on television this week. I had to stop and really think about the reality of the time I am devoting to this hot garbage parade. What could I accomplish with 6 hours this week? I could crochet 1/4 of a blanket. I could run almost 40 miles. If my college experience is any indication, I could write a 15 page paper on a book I did not read. But what am I actually doing for 6 hours this week? Watching girls in various versions of frayed denim underwear and butt floss bikinis make out with the same dude and then cry a lot about it.
This week’s episode brought to you by the color fuchsia. In rompers, mini dresses, and confusing pantsuits, this is the color to win Peter’s heart this week.
This week’s episode also brought to you by my parent’s Comcast, wherein I was able to watch this blessed event unfold in real time, with color commentary provided by my Dad and brother. Both of them only made it through about 1/3 of the episode before they had to leave, in fear of losing brain cells and any remaining respect they have for me. Some people just don’t appreciate art.
We dive back to relive the betrayal of Peter giving Alayah a rose to come back. If you somehow didn’t pick up during the hour of airtime last week, the girls have feelings about this. And these feelings are. Pissed. Betrayed. Disrespected. Literally. Can’t. Even.
Alayah has only her rose to keep her company, as the mob of angry girls in glittery dresses gather their pitchforks. Natasha dishes out this zinger:
While I appreciate the pun, I’ve never understood this expression. Is there anything better than getting into a nicely made bed? If my options were to get along with this angry army of skanks, or go to bed, I’d choose go to bed every day.
After each girl individually tells Peter that if he ever wants a chance to be in any bed besides Alayah’s, Peter is at a crossroads. He pulls Alayah aside and gives her the ol’ “it’s not you, it’s me, and the loads of girls who might murder us both in our sleep if you don’t go back home.”
The drama is over. Bachelor nation heaves a short lived sigh of relief.
On a scale of can’t even to too much, I have it on record from several sources close to the Bachelor that this is officially too much. Peter sulks back to his angry harem. “You jealous snitches made me send home the hottest chick I’ve ever made out with, and I’m so mad at all of you.” My brother declares Peter’s face to be “very punchable” and I think all of these girls would agree.
One by one, Peter has to talk to each girl and quickly rehash that he is an idiot, and then be rewarded with a quick make out sesh.
ROSE CEREMONY
ROSES
Victoria F, Madison, Sydney, Natasha, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Shiann, Mykenna, Victoria P, Kelley, Tammy
NO ROSE
Deandra, Kiarra, and a girl named Savannah who I’ve never seen before and I think they threw in just to mess with us.
The girls clutch their roses as Peter gets them hyped for heading to a location with active volcanoes and jungles.. After last week’s lead up and following destination, I can only assume he’s talking about The Okefenokee Swamp. But alas, the ABC travel funds finally came through, and they’re going to Costa Rica! I would give any of these girls $20 if they could label Costa Rica on a map.
Peter arrives in Costa Rica, and casually mentions for only the second time this season, I mean, minute that he is a pilot. Here’s a riddle for you. If a pilot does cross fit, which one will he talk about first?
Sydney is thrilled to be in Costa Rica, leaving all of the drama behind us. Historically, we all know this show has left all of the drama behind once there are only 12 girls left and from here on out it’s only true love and friendship. Plus, don’t any of these girls realize they are basically in Jurassic Park? The familiar backdrop for dinosaurs ripping each other apart and eating people sets the scene nicely.
Peter just can not figure out how to pack for trips, and is once again left begging one of his girlfriend’s for a pair of pants. He shows up sporting a bandaged forehead, and launches into a ridiculous story about fighting a puma. If ever there was a moment for a passive aggressive, “Oh, bless her heart”, it would be for each of these dummies hanging on his every word. Finally, the girls catch on to his joke, and Peter confesses to running into a golf cart, requiring 22 stitches.
I’m telling you, Peter is a humongous dork hidden in a hot guy’s body. He is a klutz. Homie can NOT dance. And he’s a pilot (Did you know?). I know being a pilot sounds cool, but I am married to an Air Force pilot and therefore know a whole lot of pilots. And every single one of them is a pedal to the metal dork. Like, I have met more than a handful who play dungeons and dragons. Every single one of them quotes LOTR extensively. Peter is cut from the same dorky cloth. Just sort of a sexy cut.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Sydney
Peter and Sydney explore costa rica in a helicopter. Peter says “love is literally in the air right now.” See? He’s a dork, you guys. Also, who patched his broken forehead? It looks like it was done with paper mache.
Every time any member of the bachelor rides in a helicopter, I remember my friend telling me about a helicopter ride she took in Hawaii, wherein everyone in the helicopter got motion sick and threw up. Just once, I want this to happen on a Bachelor date. But my years of faithful watching are not rewarded, and I instead just have to watch two boring people fly around and bond over saying “like” and “you know” for every other word for their conversation.
I have to be a little catty here, and say that every time Sydney talks, I wish she would not. Her voice is very grating to me. I worry about the long term integrity of her vocal chords from withstanding such vocal fry. My brother says she looks like a K-Mart brand Kardashian and I laugh so hard a little bit of my drink comes out my nose.
Peter speaks some super cheesy Spanish and they make out. Peter declares Sydney the best kisser, and tells her not to tell anyone. Sure, sure, this is just between you and me and America.
I feel pretty confident saying that this girl isn’t going to win. Meaning, I bet Peter’s actual fiancee (if this dumpster fire ends in a proposal) is not enjoying watching this scene. Peter is in hot water at home. “No baby, I meant she was the best kisser that DAY. You’re the best kisser. I promise. Here, look at your enormous Neil Lane engagement ring and forget about this whole thing.”
Back to The Best Kisser making out with Peter. I am watching this scene from behind my fingers, because there is so. much. tongue, and I feel violated. I am being included in this kiss and I am not a willing participant. This is more sexual than JLo’s sparkling vajeen coming at me at 20 mph in the Super Bowl half time show.
Sydney begins her traditional dinner time confessional about her mom raising her on her own, and being mixed race in Alabama. She weaves a tragic tale of bullying and racism, culminating with her eating lunch alone in the bathroom her entire senior year of high school. Hey, what do the new iPhone and Sydney’s story have in common? I’m not buying it.
Bless you, people of twitter.
With no access to the giver of all good things, the internet, Peter makes up for her tragic teen years with a rose, and more making out. How close does the camera have to be to catch these shots? I leave to go take the dogs out and I come back and they are still making out. In the pool. On the rocks. By the water fall.
Back on the ranch, beautiful girls have meltdowns at the pool. Hannah Ann and Kelsey have apparently moved on from the champagne debacle and are chatting about how unexpected it is that Peter is dating other girls. Every season, I wonder if the contestants have never seen the show before. Every week, every girl is like “ugh I just really need this one on one.” No duh, dudette. Every week, every girl is like “This rose is just really important.” We get it.
Kelsey spills the first of countless tears. Actually, I counted. Kelsey cried on 10 separate occasions during the episode. As far as I can tell, this episode elapsed in about 4 days. When is the last time you cried 10 times in a 4 day period? Get this girl some gatorade, I’m worried about her hydration.
GROUP DATE
“Let’s capture our love today”
Shiann, Kelsey, Victoria F, Madison, Natasha, Victoria P, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy, Mykenna
The girls exchange sportsmanlike high fives and good games and no one cries about not getting the one-on-one. Or they all take turns talking smack about the girls who get a one-on-one. Kelsey skips the traditional passive aggressive dig at whoever is on the date “I’m not sure she is ready for a relationship” and just goes for the ol’ bait and switch. “I like Sydney a lot, she’s cool, but she’s a dramatic bitch.” That’s what I always say about people I like, too. Classic emotionally stable talk.
Perhaps Tammy realizes she is getting zero airtime, Peter is never going to pick her, and she needs some more time on screen to secure a lucrative Instagram following, and decides it’s her turn to stir the pot. “Kelsey cried for 4 days about the champagne bottle. I don’t think I cried for that long when my Grandpa died.” Man… I’ve been enjoying more Tammy time, but involving herself in this drama is a nail in her coffin.
These bachelor producers are freaking savage, man. Let’s take a group of girls, all dating the same guy, and have them model swim wear under a waterfall while they take turns making out with their shared boyfriend. Everything about this date is a nightmare.
The girls are modeling for the fashion feature in March Cosmo. One winner will be featured with Peter on the cover. I hope the date card also said “P.S. Wax every square inch of your body and get a spray tan, ladies.” Because Peter’s harem waltzes down in swimsuits that require extensive waxing, and we’re off to the races.
The winner of the cover shoot is Victoria F, who made out with Peter while they posed with 2 other girls. Damn girl. Savage. Every part of this date is my nightmare, but especially the part where the rejects stand to the side and watch their mutual boyfriend nearly become one flesh with the girl declared the hottest swimsuit model among them.
The girls change out of their swimsuits and put on about 3 centimeters more fabric and call it a dress, and it’s cocktail party time.
Kelsey tells Peter she’s falling in love with him. Peter is unsure how to respond, and before he can say something like “Hmmm”, he makes out with Kelsey like he is trying to resuscitate her. Good grief, Peter really loves him a very opened mouth kiss. He makes out with these girls with the same intensity and wide mouthed determination of a contestant in a hot dog eating contest.
Tammy is confused. Her outfit is Georgia Debutant on top with 50s mobster on bottom. And she’s also very confused about Kelsey and her two faced drama. Dammit, Tammy. Again I ask, do none of you watch the show? The girls who bring the drama bring it on back home. If you want to hang around, just sit around and sip your drink in judgmental silence. Don’t go tattling to Peter. Tammy narcs on Peter that Kelsey been drowning her sorrows in booze and Peter is, once again, questioning.
Peter interrupts the dizzying argument and presents the group date rose to Hannah Ann.
Kelsey is ready to prove everyone wrong about her emotional stability by crying some more.
ONE-ON-ONE
Kelley
The most normal girl in the group is going on a date. She’s worried because she doesn’t have her one-on-one ace in the whole; no sob story to tell at dinner that night. Kelley is here for a fun time. I don’t think she’s here for Peter. A girl who is looking for love does not show up on the date in Beetlejuice pants.
It’s time for the mid-season requirement for our contestants to engage in a cultural ritual of sorts. Peter and Kelley ask the Costa Rican equivalent of a Magic 8 ball and learn that they are not on the same page. Kelley is unfazed by the declaration of a swinging bead, but Peter is hearing his greatest fears realized.
You can read Peter’s face like a book. He wants her so bad, but he can tell she’s not really in it.
After a strange and meandering speech about trusting the process, during which Kelley tries admirably to keep her face stuck in an understanding smile, Peter gives Kelley a rose.
I have many objections to Peter’s rose preamble. The process is beautiful? Trust the process? The process works? Those are some mighty big claims, Pete. Peter adds a third body of water to his make out bingo board. One more and he’s got bingo.
Back at the hotel, Kelsey shellacks her face with enough foundation to withstand the Costa Rican jungle to talk to Peter. Peter needs to know that all of the girls are just jealous and don’t understand that Kelsey cries all of the time because Kelsey is in love with him. I’m getting flash backs of when Luke behaved like a psychopath in the name of “love” for Hannah and she ate it up. Peter similarly just wants someone to want him as badly as he wants them. This is not great criteria for selecting a partner, especially when you are the protagonist of a dating competition show. These women are tripping all over themselves to get to him, and/or get famous. How bout you want someone who knows where Costa Rica is on a map. Or someone whose middle name you know.
Peter pulls out a rose, apparently from inside of his pants, to give to Kelsey. Kelsey pimp walks back to the house with the other girls, rose in hand and a smug look on her face.
The girls are sick of the squeaky wheel getting the grease, or the rose, as it were, and heads gon’ roll.
ROSE CEREMONY
The hair is sprayed. The lips are glossed. The boobs are taped. It’s going down.
Or it’s not. Chris Harrison strolls around the corner to deliver the devastating blow that the ladies are headed to straight to the rose ceremony.
The group collectively, pardon my french, shits a brick. Mckenna licks her lips in a manner that makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Tammy asks Kelsey what she said in her talk with Peter, and Kelsey promises, ‘I didn’t say anything except oh i did mention that you called me an alcoholic and a pill popper and a fugly slut but nothing else. I’m so sorry about all of this.” … she says with her nose deep in a rose.
Mckenna is coming unglued. Every time her time with Peter is snatched from her, her voice becomes an octave higher. And I can not get over her tongue.
What in the name of Our Host Chris Harrison is she doing. She is practically squeaking her lamentations. Somebody get this girl a bottle of water and a Xanax. All of the girls are spitting mad. Sydney is taking out her enormous hoop earrings and ready to brawl.
Hannah Ann sums up this entire show: “It’s like, I wanna know, but I don’t wanna know.”
Peter marches in like a school principal about to scold his rowdy class and take away recess. He’s about to lay down the law and get to business with the roses, when Tammy interrupts to steal Peter away and hopefully clear her name. But before she can get into her prepared defense, Mykenna swoops in. Her voices reaches record breaking heights as she begs Peter to stop the nonsense and get to know her heart. Mykenna, bless your fragile little heart, I think you should be grateful that Peter has missed out on getting to know this particular facet of you.
Enough of this nonsense, let’s hand out some roses
ROSES
Kelley, Kelsey, Sydney, Hannah Ann, Victoria F, Madison, Natasha, Victoria P, Mykenna, Tammy
NO ROSE
Shiann, Lexi
Peter sends two girls who seem comparatively sane packing. Shiann leaves Peter with a foreboding “some of these girls aren’t what they seem” and walks away as the devastation of that blow lands.
Can we please watch Peter bust his head open on the golf cart 15 more times. Aaaaaand rewind.
PS Chris Harrison for president.
What in the fresh hell are we going to watch for 3 hours on Wednesday night?
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