Here’s a fun fact: Mike Fleiss and the mayor of Cleveland are first cousins. Or so I have to reasonably assume, because this is the only conceivable reason that Pete and his posse are headed to Cleveland.
When the girls first find out they are leaving Los Angeles:
For a city full of art, culture, and rock and roll:
And when they realize that somehow Chris Harrison is describing Cleveland, OH.
Peter’s driving the hype train and announced that Clark Kent was born in Cleveland. I pondered this statement for several moments. Does Peter know that Clark Kent is not a real person, and was not even fictionally born in Cleveland? It took me several internet searches to find that the character of Clark Kent was created in Cleveland. Did Peter know this fun fact or did producers look it up and tell Peter so that he would have something vaguely interesting to relay to the audience to get them hyped for Cleveland?
One-On-One Date- “Today our love soars to new heights”
Victoria F.
Victoria F. hears her name on the card and begins the first of innumerable panic attacks the day will bring. Victoria is all of us having her freak out in the SUV. She rallies like a champ and struts out of there like she wasn’t just drooling in fear.
The two hop into a plane (Did you know Peter is a pilot???) so that their love and Victoria’s anxiety can reach new heights. Peter’s seatbelt is all twisted and skiwompus and I feel distressed. I mean, if the plane is going down, I don’t think a twisted seatbelt is going to be the difference between surviving and dying, but you’re on TV man! You’re a professional pilot! Fix your seatbelt, homie!
Victoria sits in terror in the plane, probably wondering how they are going to jump out of the plane while Peter is flying it. Is there another pilot hiding in the back? Peter puts her out of her misery and tells her they are spending the day at Cedar Point, an amusement park in Cleveland. Peter then promptly puts her back into her misery and drags her onto the catapult ride. However, I call BS on Victoria’s terror, as she happily rides every ride.
The two unwind from their adrenaline packed morning over beers. Victoria toasts with the truly baffling, “Cheers to our sons having hot moms and successful dads”.
I had to pause the show to really mull over this bizarre toast. At first I thought, you guys are going to have sons but then give them to a hot lesbian couple or a successful gay couple? I mean, that’s great, but very strange to toast to on your first date. Or, did you mean that you are each going to have sons and they will each have a hot mom and successful dad? Still a strange thing to say. It doesn’t really get better if she meant they would have sons, and those sons would have a hot mom and successful dad.
Peter loves it anyway, and they discuss that it’s imperative to have an even number of children for optimal roller coaster ride enjoyment. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about having a third kid but then decided against it because of how very frequently we will ride roller coasters together, and I’m just not ready to relegate one of my children to a lifetime of sitting with a stranger on a roller coaster. Forget finances, time, energy, family dynamics- the real issues of family planning are roller coaster configurations. I continue to hold out hope that one day, roller coaster manufacturers will understand the plight of poor odd numbered families, and 3 seat wide roller coasters will be invented. Until that day, cheers to having 2 or 4 kids, all of whom will have hot moms and successful dads.
I thought I was ready to move on from this, but I’m not. What about having hot dads and successful moms? Or a hot and successful mom and an ugly dad with a great personality? So many options for this toast, and this is where she landed. I just have a lot questions. I will have to chalk it up to the roller coasters rattling her brain, and we’re moving on.
And now, a story. Once upon a time, a hard working bachelor producer was deep in the trenches of extensively internet stalking the contestants on this season. Imagine his delight when our friend the bachelor producer discovered that one of the contestants had previously dated a somewhat famous country singer.
Then he got an idea. An awful idea. The bachelor producer had a wonderful, awful idea.
What if we got Victoria’s ex boyfriend, country singer Chase Rice, to perform a private concert for Peter and Victoria, and we didn’t tell either of them this was happening. I’m telling you right now, picturing it all unfold- Victoria and Peter slow dancing as her ex-boyfriend serenades them; this bachelor producer had to change his pants.
And watching it unfold in real life? Mike Fleiss probably made it rain $100 on his brilliant little protege. It is manipulative, wickedly genius, a dash of cruel, and precisely why I can never stop watching this garbage show.
Watching Victoria’s face slowly evolve from “Hey I hear music… hey wait I think I know this music… hey wait no I really know this music… Holy sh**I know this music.” I was simultaneously cringing and rubbing my hands together in sinister anticipation.
I can not even communicate the awkwardness, discomfort and full body cringing of watching blissful Peter dance with his slamming hottie while Chase Rice makes bedroom eyes at his ex-girlfriend, who is singing along to his song, that she knows very well.
“You know this song!”
“I do, I love this song! …..He used to sing it to me in our bed.”
At the risk of wildly speculating, I’ve come to the conclusion that Chase Rice must be a huge tool. He says he had no idea Victoria was going to be on the date. I just don’t buy it. He knew she was on the show. He allegedly did not want her to go on the show. Someone from ABC contacts him and says “Hey, wanna do a concert for the Bachelor??” You mean the show that my ex-girlfriend is on? These two things can not possibly be related; surely the folks down at ABC just really love my music. Naaaah, dog. He knew. And he sang to Victoria like he was singing to get her back.
Peter gushes to the camera, “If things go well, we could have Chase Rice singing at our wedding!” High fives erupted across the editing floor when that footage rolled.
Oblivious Peter and terrified Victoria sit down to not eat dinner. Victoria begins the longest and most painful wind up to this news that she could have possibly conjured up. As she spirals through “I’m so scared to tell you something, I’m really nervous, it would be unfair to not tell you…”
And Peter is going through so many scenarios in his mind.. “What is she going to tell me?? That she just got out of prison? That she used to be a dude?”
She finally spits it out that they spent the evening making out in front of a dude she used to make out with. The revelation is too much to bear sitting at the table, and Victoria rushes away to feel all of her feelings. Peter reassures Victoria that having a sorta famous ex boyfriend isn’t a deal breaker, and they make out.
Guys, I like Victoria F. I do. I know she’s a little nutso and I can not possibly comprehend how such a stone cold fox is so insecure, but I like her.
GROUP DATE
Victoria P, Kiarra, Kelley, Deandra, Madison, Lexi, Shiann, Tammi, Sydney, Hannah Ann, Savannah, Mykenna
I just want to take a moment to consider that some where at Bachelor Headquarters, someone’s job is to evaluate the mental status of each girl, and write the date card in such a way that whichever girl is the most fragile will hear her name last. This is their job. And they are quite good at it. Just want to mention that as I watch McKenna come unraveled about not getting the one-on-one date.
Peter forgot to pack any pants suitable for playing football, and has to borrow a pair from one of the women. Why else would he be wearing such tight and short pants? Peter brings out some football players whose names I can not be troubled to look up. But they are attractive and athletic specimen and I am curious if, given the chance, any of our contestants would jump ship for one of the NFL players instead of Pilot Pete. I would at least consider it, that’s for sure, and I think by the end of this episode, there would definitely be some takers.
The girls start running football drills, and Mckenna demonstrates that her ability to hold onto a football matches her ability to hold onto her emotions.
For a point of order, from here on out, I’m calling Victoria P. “Victoria P” and Victoria F as just Victoria because after this episode, I have decided that I don’t like Victoria P, so she gets saddled with the inferior initial moniker. Speaking of Victoria P, Victoria P sits on the sidelines during the date, because her back is hurting. She capitalizes on this to get a back rub from Peter. The girls playing football want nothing more than to get this girl on the field and take her down. This reminds me of when I would pretend to have my period in gym class so I could get out of running the mile. Victoria P sits and looks cute while all of the other girls get sweaty and beat up for a chance at more time with Peter.
Some people I’ve never seen before and similarly can’t be troubled to look up commentate as the girls play football. To the show’s credit, the girls are wearing pads and helmets, and not bikinis, which was a welcome surprise. The winning team is promised an evening with Peter, and these girls are out for blood.
One of the refs helps his team understand the finer points of this game with this insightful bit of coaching: “We can’t let them score and get a touchdown, because then they score, and we’re at a disadvantage. Do you understand?” Boy, when you put it that way, it makes so much sense.
Shiann, Kelley and Deandra dominate the field, but the game ultimately ends in a tie, which means all 13 girls will be spending the evening with Peter. The girls are entering the cocktail party already feeling salty about how little time they will have with Peter. All these girls ran the dang mile during gym, for a chance at time with Peter, but the girl who sat out with pretend period cramps grabs their reward right out from under them. And they just can’t even.
Shiann finally gets her time with Peter, and is laying into him about just how thoroughly she neither can nor even, when Alayah stomps up the stairs. Alayah is wearing a leather jacket to further distinguish herself as a bad B who means business, and interrupts to talk to Peter.
Shiann and her doily dress skulk back to the group to talk about how deeply unfair this all is, while Alayah sits down to set the record straight.
If you had to go to the bathroom for the next 20 minutes, allow me to summarize:
Alayah says: She and Victoria P were close friends and went to Vegas together.
Victoria P says: They barely knew each other. They went to Vegas together, but since when does that mean they’re friends?
Peter says: What the fudge.
Peter brings Victoria P and Alayah together, and Victoria P embraces Alayah while whispering in her ear, “Tell Peter we barely know each other or I will rip your hoop earrings out.”
Victoria P just had to tell her truth. And by her truth she means the version of this story that doesn’t make her look bad, but is not based on reality, but it’s still her truth. And she’s sorry that her truth aka her lie isn’t great for Alayah.
As I watched Victoria P brush Alayah’s hair behind her ear, while she sits with Peter’s arm around her and flat out ignores Alayah’s evidence that Victoria P is lying, I thought to myself… this girl is savage. Peter smells something fishy as well, but instead of taking everything stinky out to the curb to be done with it, he invites Alayah back on the show, so she and Victoria P can continue to stink up the whole house.
Peter sits on the couch with the angriest group of women I’ve ever seen, and gives Alayah the group date rose. So, for those keeping score, the 2 girls who did not play football got the most time with Peter, and the girl who wasn’t even on the date got the rose. Ooo Alayah, child, you better sleep with one eye open tonight.
ONE- ON- ONE DATE
Kelsey
Kelsey is also wearing a black leather jacket, the official accessory for girls all up in the drama. Peter tells Kelsey that Alayah is back, and Kelsey very surprisingly and wisely chooses to pretend she’s not pissed so they can go explore Cleveland. There are 20 minutes left at this point in the episode, and I am already profoundly bored of this date and bracing myself for the inevitable “to be continued” that I know is looming at the end of this episode. Kelsey and Peter steal a race car from some small children, and then take it a step further and steal their trophy, which Peter holds over his head while he makes out with Kelsey. I can’t really figure out why I am so thoroughly disinterested in this date. In order to avoid triggering Kelsey’s champagne trauma, the two toast with wine. Kelsey begins the traditional one-on-one date confessional, and describes her parent’s brutal divorce. I just now notice that Peter is wearing a turtleneck. Is he hiding a hickey? Not even the ABC trademark romantic music or Peter pulling out the rose can make me feel anything but disinterest in this date.
ROSE CEREMONY
Back on the ranch, Alayah is making friends left and right. Or, she’s pissing everyone the hell off, most notably Victoria. Victoria is livid that Alayah got her paws on some hot goss while she was home with her phone, and spilled the beans on her country singing ex boyfriend.
Peter walks in to a room of women who want to kill him, and Deandra and Natasha get right to ripping Peter a new one.
Peter tucks his tail between his legs, and drags a tantrum throwing Victoria P out to chat. Victoria P is outraged that Peter doesn’t trust her and brought Alayah back. After all, she bore her soul to him, and doesn’t that mean he should unquestioningly believe everything she says?
Alayah is chum for the very angry sharks circling around her and hurling accusations. She does herself no favors by strutting around like a smug diva. She stands up to leave the group, pouting “I literally don’t have time for this.” … What exactly DO you have time for? Are you late for your shift at the Cheesecake Factory? If you had time to fly on out to Cleveland to “clear your name”, I think you’ve got plenty of time for this poop storm.
I do feel for Peter here, who loosens the tie around his neck as the emotional noose tightens. I honestly don’t know who I believe. This feels like a smear campaign against Alayah that I’m not entirely sure is warranted. I agree that she is annoying as hell and as fake as her boobs, but I’m not positive she deserves to be lynched by this stiletto clad mob.
TO BE CONTINUED, next week! But first, let’s watch Peter be absolutely terrible at basketball, which is the most I’ve liked him this entire episode.
I have to confess that I’m sort of watching this trash because of Taryn. Someone has to educate her (I toss out comments like “don’t let your boobs spill out of your dress”, “don’t act like a hoochie and hump someone the first time you meet them”). Anyway, back to my comment—your recap was the highlight of my day. Especially the comment about Victoria F. Seriously, how does someone that gorgeous meltdown every day, So. Insecure.
Anyway, I mostly just wanted to comment that I miss you and love when you write. 💜
Yessss this is my favorite comment of all time, I love that you’re watching with Taryn, and I love that my recaps make it a little more bearable hahah! I miss you too!!!
I feel bad for Alayah. I think the girls were being real jerks to her and it wasnt cool. She seems like a Crystal to me from Arie’s season, she just got a bad edit and rubbed some girls the wrong way.
I don’t like either Victoria now…there are some serious rumors about Vic F that paint her as a super awful person and seem to be true and Vic P wouldnt fess up to lying and was throwing a tantrum that Peter wont take her word as absolute. I hope they both go soon.
I am dying for it all to go down at hometowns!!!