This episode represented an early slump in this season. We’re really grasping at straws in the drama department, there are still too many girls for us to truly see who Peter is feeling, and the girls who get air time have the personality of a saltine cracker.
We left last week with the controversy of champagne-gate taking up more time than it ever deserved. This week, we’ve moved on from the champagne pop heard round the world and don’t need to spend any more time discussing it. Ha! That was a good joke, right?
Let’s talk about it for at least another 15 minutes.
But first.
One on One Date-
Victoria P
Victoria P opens up to page 1 in the How to Win the Bachelor Playbook, passed on to her by Cassie from Colton’s season, and disavows herself from the drama and makes it clear that she is only here for Peter.
Peter is ready to show Victoria around his stomping grounds. If Victoria P is going to fit in at Peter’s hometown (LA), she will need to look the part… And yet they drive right past Fake Boobs Emporium and Small Dogs in Small Handbags store, and they end up shopping for cowboy boots. Apparently after their kelp facials and wine bar hangs, Peter and his dudes like to go line dancing.
Most memorable moment from the boot shoppin’ and line dancing: Peter’s jeans are significantly tighter than Victoria’s. Did Peter steal Victoria’s pants, and she had to borrow some from a homeless mom in the 80s? It’s only explanation for their questionable denim choices.
Our country cuties cut a rug and it is clear that Peter is smitten.
Most memorable moment from the dancing: Did you know that an electric harmonica exists? I need to know more about this.
AND THEN
Can you believe we’re back at the mansion, talking about the champagne? I’m so glad, I just don’t feel it’s been adequately rehashed.
I wrote prolifically about our champagne villainess last week, yet this week I could not for the life of me remember her name. I do not feel this bodes well for her. Her name is Kelsey. I would like to forget her name again, and not have cause to remember it anymore.
But she has given us all the gift of of this gif, so bless her.
If you fell asleep during the following extremely boring 10 minutes, here’s what you need to know.
Hannah Ann said “Finasco” instead of fiasco- Point, Kelsey
Kelsey says Hannah had plenty of time to talk to her about this, and Hannah Ann reminds her that Kelsey said, to “stay the f*** away.” Point, Hannah Ann.
So, for those keeping score at home, in this argument the winner is no one and the loser is everyone involved and the audience watching at home. Yawn.
While the gals back at the mansion continue to discuss the “finasco”, Victoria P makes a break for the lead in the race for Peter’s heart.
She weaves a truly tragic tale of caring for her family after her dad’s death at a young age, including the heart shattering detail of serving a potato for dinner so her sister would have something to eat. Oooof.
Victoria P’s eyes swim with tears as she channels Fantine from Les Mis “I dreamed a dream… of being on the Bachelor and becoming a partner with Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins.”
Okay, but in all seriousness, her story is raw and heartbreaking, and Peter is eating out of the palm of her care-giving hand. I want to believe that Victoria P is as sweet as she seems. Peter sure does.
GROUP DATE
“I love surprises, I hope you do too”
Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, Alayah
Kelley and maybe Savannah are the only members of this group date that I predict lasting much longer than a few more episodes, so can we please just skip the next regrettable 20 minutes?
It starts with Demi crashing the party. ABC, will you please just leave previous contestants to their original 15 minutes of fame? They are doing just fine on instagram; we don’t need to see them anymore.
Demi brings along 2 women inexplicably named ChamPAIN and Killer. Their real identities and what they have to do with anything is never disclosed. Demi brings lingerie for all of the girls, and I don’t know which is more embarrassing- that these girls have to pillow fight in lingerie on national television, or that Kiarra pronounces it “linger-ee.” Yikes.
In various stages of undress, our gang arrives at a saloon, to Champain and Killer in the midst of a pillow fight. Stop the ride. I want to get off. I hate every part of this.
I mean, look. I know what this show is. It’s not like I expect the group dates to be presidential debates. But can we at least pretend for a brief moment that it’s more than sexy girls in lingerie, fighting on mattresses? Do we have to abandon all pretense? I’m just saying, I felt like a real pervert watching this group date while I was at the gym. The girl on the treadmill next to me was watching C-SPAN and it was just a real struggle to feel good about my choices. But I pressed on, dear viewer, for you.
Chris Harrison and Fred Willard commentate this occasion. I hope there is a defibrillator on the premises for ancient Fred.
Kelley is nervous to get in the ring and wonders, “Who wants to see their attorney dressed in lingerie on a TV show?” Um…. every male client you’ve ever had. And a handful of the females, too.
I just don’t even want to write about this shameful spectacle. My eyes rolled so far back into my head, so many times during this nightmare that I feared I would need medical attention to unroll them.
Alayah and Sydney go head to head for the final pillow fight, and Alayah wins. Peter declares her queen of the bedroom and I declare myself headed to the bathroom to throw up.
At the cocktail party, Sydney is ready to cross examine a cocky Alayah posted up on the couch in her crown. “Do you feel like you’re still in that pageant mode of being rehearsed and not being your true self?” “Is it difficult for you to be your true self?” “Are you or are you not already in communication with FabFitFun about your upcoming partnership?”
Memorable Cocktail Party Moments: Tammy worries that Peter thinks she’s just a bro, and Peter leans in for a kiss while saying “I don’t do this with my bros, so…” That was a good one. More Tammy. She’s not gonna win, but she’s way more fun to watch than the parade of pouty princesses currently taking up the whole damn show.
Peter sits down with Sydney, who wastes no time telling Peter that the house is full of phoneys, and Peter cuts right to the chase and puts Sydney on the spot in front of the other girls. Sydney really sticks to her guns with an assertive “Ummm maybe Alayah like a little bit maybe sometimes isn’t totally fully herself a tiny bit maybe sometimes.”
Alayah asks if anybody else feel this way and these girls all know that snitches get stitches, and get to steadfastly staring at the ground. Peter looks like he’s having a super fun time being caught in the middle of this game of passive aggressive chess. Sydney gets the rose, and settles onto her high horse.
The next day, Chris Harrison announces a pool party! Nothing sets the stage for a carefree pool party like Peter sulking in to the tell his scantily clad harem that he’s having doubts.
Lexi dresses for the occasion in a button up plaid shirt, but apparently has a run in with a bear before she can make it, because the shoulders are torn to shreds. I can not fathom the type of scenario where this shirt would be useful.
He grabs Sydney straight away and the girls barely contain the “ooooo” that accompanies a kindergartener’s walk to the principals office. Sydney doubles down on her assertion that Alayah is fake, and in quick succession Kelsey, Natasha and Lexi all clamber aboard the good ship Sydney.
Sydney and Alayah hash it out again and my eyes glaze over. I am very bored of watching two girls who have zero shot at winning fighting over who is being real. I think they are both real. Real boring and real annoying.
While those two goons have an annoying-off, Peter finds solace in Madison. Why is Madison holding an envelope? Did her Grandma write a letter for every part of this journey?
“For when girls question if you’re there for the right reasons.”
“For when you tell Peter you’re starting to fall in love with him.”
“For when you’re at a pool party with your boyfriend and 20 of his other girlfriends.”
Alayah kidnaps Peter again and I feel myself slip back into my coma of disinterest. Alayah reassures him that she is genuine and I return to consciousness as Alayah cockily struts away in her pants made of my grandma’s lace table runner.
Cut Victoria P, wearing the exact same pink high waisted bikini as Barbie
She hates to get involved, but confides that Alayah asked her not tell anyone that they knew each other before the show. Peter puts Alayah back in the hot seat. I fall asleep again. Peter asks Alayah if she told Victoria P to say they didn’t know each other, and Alayah craps a brick. After a beat, she slaps her pageant face back on and assures Peter that it was just so they could both be on the show. Peter goes home to feel all of his feelings, and Chris Harrison comes in to deliver the bad news and tells the gals to reapply their eyelash glue because it’s rose ceremony time.
I don’t think a single person touched the pool at this pool party. And I did not see one single girl hoisted upon the nearest horizontal surface for a signature Peter Weber make out. I want my money back.
But clearly ABC is reading my blog, and we finally get to end this poop show with a rose ceremony. Praises.
ROSE CEREMONY
Roses
Victoria F., Victoria P., Sydney, Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Natasha, Lexi, Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, Tammy, Savannah, Deandra…
BUT WAIT, there’s NOT more!
Chris Harrison, always our harbinger of bad news, takes away one of the roses, leaving one rose for 5 girls, only 2 of whom I have ever seen before this moment.
The last rose goes to Mykenna, who was on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown.
No rose
Jasmine (never seen her before), Sarah (who?), Alexa (dang, she seemed normal), and Alayah.
My favorite moments of the whole show are when they show the contestants speaking with the producers. It feels like seeing behind the curtain. Like when you saw your teacher at the grocery store and you were like whoaaaaaa you’re a real person and you don’t live at the school. But while I am enjoying Peter having a moment with his producer, I am disappointed that Peter is second guessing his wise choice to say sayonara to Alayah. Peter… think with your head. The one on your shoulders. The one that says “If it looks like a snake and it talks like a snake, and all of the girls say it’s a snake… homegirl’s probably a snake.”
This episode was a real snoozefest. It’s time to stir the pot with something more exciting than accidentally stolen champagne and allegations of wrong reasons. At least the preview for next week shows that they’re gonna bring some real drama. Alayah is coming back. Groan. Victoria F is going on a date to see her ex-boyfriend in a private concert, what a crazy coincidence! Trouble just always seems to find these kooky Bachelor producers and their simple quest to help Peter find love!
What did you think of this week? Did you stay awake through the whole thing? Who do you think is leading the pack? Sound off!
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