Welcome back, Bach Fam. My favorite work out of the entire week is the one I complete while watching this week’s episode of the Bachelor. Every time someone cries, I draw from it the strength I need to push through another sprint interval.
GROUP DATE CONTINUED
We pick up right where we left with Peter and Hannah, with the notable difference that someone has finally cleaned up the mascara under Hannah’s eyes. Someone get this girl some waterproof mascara and let’s keep this emotional roller coaster a’rollin.
Peter needs clarity and understanding, and respecting these complicated emotions and the space he needs, Hannah climbs onto his lap and stares into his soul. By my best estimate, this pre-kiss look between Hannah and Peter lasted 27 minutes straight, and I literally yelled, on my treadmill “DO NOT KISS HER! YOU ARE NOT SLOPPY THIRDS MATERIAL.”
Finally Peter looks away and says, “I can’t do this.” And I exhale.
Either Peter has realized Hannah has a complex about wanting what other people want, or his contract is iron clad and Mike Fleiss whispers through his earpiece it’s time to get ta steppin’ if he ever wants to be on Dancing With The Stars, and Peter and Hannah part ways.
Hannah chose Jed, and I tried not to hold it against her even though he’s a dumb cheating bobblehead that can’t sing. Love is blind, and tone deaf, apparently. When that relationship went as far as Jed’s music career and she realized the rest of the world was in love with Tyler, she decided to give that a shot. But Tyler was already drowning in hotties, and that fizzled. Now she wants Peter, because she doesn’t want anyone else to have him.
I can not be stressed enough (or enough times) that this is not at all how Hannah or Peter imagined this date to go. Whoever could have guessed that arranging a date with your ex-boyfriend and his 20 new girlfriends, wherein we talk about our sexual history, could ever stir up these ancient (2 month old) feelings!? I, for one, am flummoxed.
Peter calls off the rest of the date and endless discussions of whether or not Peter is ready for this follow. Take a drink every time someone says “Ready for this.” Don’t do this, you will die.
Peter walks into the cocktail party, so that he can be raked over the coals individually with each girl and affirm that he is, in fact, ready for this.
Mykenna encourages everyone to stop all Hannah B conversations. Except now. And maybe a little bit with Peter. And her journal. And twitter at the end of this. But that’s it.
Sydney takes Peter to task over his lingering feelings for Hannah and reminds him that she left her mom to be on this show. They bond over.. I’m really not sure what…but they kiss anyway.
Bachelor bad girl music plays as Mykenna and Peter go to talk. Foreshadowing? Peter busts out some very unfortunate dance moves and transitions right into his strengths, kissing.
Peter has a go-to move of lifting up his lady and planting her onto whatever horizontal surface is closest. A pool table, a bar, a chest of drawers. We’ve now seen him do this with 3 different girls, and it should look like a total player move by now, but damn, if it doesn’t work.
The date rose goes to Sydney and Mykenna wonders if her make-out straddle just wasn’t enough.
ROSE CEREMONY
Memorable Cocktail Party Moments
Remember the girl who drove up in the red convertible? Neither did Peter. Peter pulls out the red convertible a producer gave him that he’s been carrying around until someone mentions that they came in the convertible and Lexi forgives him for forgetting about her.
Peter is so relieved that Lexi is the only woman in the house who isn’t spitting fire about Hannah B, and hopefully the kiss they share will prevent him from forgetting her name next week.
Kelsey has had a special bottle of champagne saved for over a year, and what better reason to crack it open than with a stranger on a date with a couple dozen girls? This gal waited to drink her champagne for her special moment with Peter, but it is clear that is the only alcoholic beverage she waited to consume. As other girls steal Peter for their time, homegirl is unraveling.
Elsewhere, Madison and Peter relive their date with a framed picture from his parent’s vow renewal. Madison asks Peter if he wraps all of his presents, and I have never felt more sure that someone on this show was lying than when Peter replied yes.
As Kelsey applies 17 lbs of contour to her cheeks, an ABC intern somewhere secures a bonus check by telling Hannah Ann that there’s a bottle of champagne for her and Peter sitting by the fire. We hear the champagne pop heard ‘round the mansion, and Kelsey loses what little grip on reality she was oh-so-barely clinging to.
Kelsey rushes to the scene of the crime, and judging by her reaction, Hannah has not only stolen her champagne, but also murdered her family. There was a “mix up” of the champagnes. What a crazy random happenstance! Hannah Ann claims she had no idea, and Kelsey is not buying it. Kelsey is over it. Don’t most people repeatedly say “I’m over it, I’m over it” while stomping around angrily to show that they’re over it?
Just to keep the Kelsey train wreck rolling, she takes a swig of the replacement champagne that explodes in her face and out her nose. But, trooper that she is, she continues to be “over it”.
If there’s one thing we know from 24 seasons of the Bachelor, it is that drunken histrionics make for good TV and many Instagram followers, but very rarely make for proposal material. And Kelsey should know better than to go to war with Hannah Ann. Previews show this joker will unfortunately linger, but I foresee Kelsey’s surely dramatic departure sooner rather than later.
ROSES:
Kelley, Madison, Sydney, Mykenna, Victoria P, Natasha, Hannah, Ann, Tammy, Alayah, Alexa, Lexi, Victoria F, Shiann, Kelsey
Also Jasmine, Sarah, Deandra, Kiarra, and Savannah, who are apparently people on the show.
NO ROSE:
Courtney, Lauren, Payton
These girls were also apparently on the show. And now they are not.
Group Date- Time to Let Your Personality Shine
Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F, Kelsey, Hannah Ann
This is wild that Kelsey and Hannah Ann are both on this group date. Who coulda guessed it. The girls arrive at Revolve, the clothier of all Bachelor influencers of instagram. They all do an admirable job of fan-girling and pretending they recognize OG Queer Eye’s Carson Presley, Janice Dickinson, and someone important who works for Revolve, and learn that they will be modeling and judged in a Revolve fashion show.
Everyone gets to work choosing their fashion look while Victoria F gets to work having a nervous breakdown.
The fashion show opens with Peter strutting his stuff down the runway, and the girls can all relax, knowing that there is no way they will look more dorky than whatever shuffle-step move Peter struggles through at the end of the runway. How come when guys are clumsy and can’t dance, it’s cute and endearing, and when I am that way, I am weird and need to get off of the table at Chili’s.
Peter can’t wait to see the girl’s show off their personalities. Is that what we’re calling them these days? And show them off they do.
Notable Catwalk Happenings
Mckenna winks. I wish she wouldn’t.
Kelsey walks like the champagne bottle in question is up her butt.
Hannah Ann wears a wedding gown, and a giant target on her back.
Shiann is described as a really sexy Amish person, a phrase I believe previously unuttered before this event.
Despite her protestations and insecurities, Victoria F brings it on the runway. Hannah Ann and Victoria F go head to head to win, wearing highly confusing sequined half-dresses. Hannah Ann wins, and the nugget of confidence and sanity that Victoria fought to claim falls apart with the half of the dress.
At the cocktail party, Peter tells Victoria he was very impressed with her runway walk, and Victoria responds with the always charming pursed-lip-stare-down. Then, and you’re not going to believe this, she cries some more. Peter kisses her self doubt away.
The champagne drama is still bubbling, and when Kelsey sashays back to the group after finally getting her time with Peter, Hannah Ann decides she’s ready to go to war. And by go to war, I mean tell Prince Peter that Kelsey is a meanie head. I mean, look, I am no Kelsey sympathizer, but it’s obvious she is not long for this show. I’m of the opinion that Hannah Ann should have spent the evening resting on her complete Revolve wardrobe laurels instead of stirring the pot.
Peter gives the group date to Victoria F, who appears completely underwhelmed. Girl needs to see her doctor about getting her medication dosage figured out.
Peters takes Kelsey aside to discuss the alleged bullying of Hannah Ann. In a move completely unheard of on this show, the two girls express two different tellings of an event to Our Bachelor, and the Bachelor is unsure of his feelings.
Can we get an instant replay going on this show? It would really save us all some time. Peter would watch the footage, be like “Oooh, okay, so clearly Kelsey is an unstable crazy person, let’s move on.” If I worked for ABC, this show would really be a lot shorter. We could get through the whole thing in an hour. But when what would I blog about?
Kelsey closes her argument with this tidbit of defense and knowledge: “There’s a difference between me saying not nice words to her face and bullying somebody.”
Did Hannah Ann know she was stealing Kelsey’s champagne?
Does Peter know what a moonwalk is supposed to look like?
Will we ever get to end an episode with a proper rose ceremony?
Dying to know your every thought!
xoxo,
Bachelor Gossip Girl
Leave a Reply