The Bachelor Season 24- Fantasy Suites
We start off by revealing that Madison has never seen the show before. Madison’s sequin jumpsuit is clearly compromising circulation to her brain, and she struggles through a 10 minutes monologue without ever saying the words “I’m saving myself for marriage and struggle with the idea of you sleeping with someone.” and instead only communicates “I just like don’t like want you to like sleep with the other girls because like it would like really hard.” Peter is confused but tries to reassure her that his feelings for her are very strong. “You know how I feel about you… But have you SEEN Victoria!?”
I have very mixed feelings on this whole situation. On the one hand, I respect Madison’s commitment to herself and her faith, but girlfriend- What is happening is not a surprise. This is like if someone was on a baking show and told the judges, “I want you to choose my cake, but you can only choose mine if you don’t eat any of the other ones. If you eat those cakes, I will remove my cake from the competition. And since you already told me you loved my cake… put down the fork, homie.” I am now deeply regretting my choice of cake analogy, but you get the point.
Peter is frustrated. He has to choose between sleeping with two girls he is into or not sleeping with any of them in favor of the girl he loves. You know what they say, a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the sheets…
I remember watching this show when I was younger, and feeling like I was watching people develop relationships and fall in love. Fantasy Suites were always a little skeevy, but it also felt like they were more invested at this point. Now it feels one dude on a sweet vacation, where he gets to doink 3 girls he barely knows in a back-to-back-to-back sequence. A back to back front to front sequence, as it were.
Let’s take this drama down under! … So to speak. Guys, it’s the freaking fantasy suits. The low hanging double entendre fruit abounds. I can’t not.
In a sequence carefully orchestrated by producers, the remaining girls arrive one by one to their shared hotel suite. I would love to go on vacation with my boyfriend’s 3 other girlfriends. Sounds comfortable. Madison’s feelings for Peter are as deep as her spray tan, and this week is going to really try her. And as sure as the tears that will fall from Victoria’s face, Madison will be the last to get a date. To assure hat Peter will have ample opportunities to say g’day mate to the first two sheilas who choose to forego their individual rooms.
Peter arrives and whisks Hannah Ann off for their date. Madison is very nervous for what will happen on this date, but says she trusts Peter and “Peter is a big boy” and as this is a family blog, I will refrain from commenting that she is the only one who will not, in fact, experience whether or not Peter is a big boy. Ahem.
Hannah Ann and Peter jet ski around Australia, stopping to make out like super models on the beach.
One time a photographer followed my husband and I around on the beach, and we looked exactly like that.
.. or not. (If you’re dying to see more of this horrifying photo shoot, eat your heart out over on this blog post.)
Hannah Ann forgot to pack an evening dress for the trip, but ever resourceful, she grabs the sheet from the hotel, ties it around her neck, and fashions something very nearly resembling a dress. Over dinner, Hannah makes it abundantly clear that she’s still gonna be here once he comes back from his sexual walkabout. Peter is very touched by her willingness to stand by while he “explores” his “feelings” with the other women. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Papa Chris invites his Bachelor babies to forego their individual rooms and spend the evening in the fantasy suite, discussing whether they are cat or dog people, how many kids they want, and whether or not they think pineapple belongs on pizza.
I have questions about scene with the foggy hand pressed against the glass. It sure looked like the silhouette of a man’s bare buns and I feel violated. Let us return to the “do not disturb” sign on the door, while the camera pans away. Give us all the choice to pretend that the fantasy suite refers to the two lovebirds working on their fantasy football team.
Hannah returns home to Madison and Victoria, who tell her how pretty and tan she looks, which is a weird way to say, “How was banging our boyfriend!? Any tips for my turn tonight!?” It is just mean to make these girls live together while they play musical Peter’s Penis. (Sorry).
Probably still smelling like Hannah’s perfume, Peter and Victoria head off on their own Fantasy date. They take off in a helicopter to take in the gorgeous scenery of the Gold Coast. I would be willing to endure the awkwardness of living with the woman who just banged your boyfriend for a chance at that helicopter ride, and the following picnic at the waterfall.
Peter loves everything about his relationship with Victoria. Except communicating. This sounded a lot like, “I like everything about my relationship with Victoria except any time that we have to talk to each other. But when we’re making out or riding a helicopter, it’s really great” Victoria is so pleased that they have made it half of a day without fighting. Praise be. She probably barely managed to hold her tongue that Peter ate more than his half of the picnic, but for the sake of a peaceful half day together, she kept the peace.
At dinner that night, Peter asks Victoria to identify any kind of human emotion she experienced in her last relationship. He’s begging her just to prove for half a second that she is a human being and not a sexy but mean robot. Victoria begins to engage in her usual histrionics of tears and drama whenever confronted with a question requiring an answer, and Peter is panicking. He quickly sticks his tongue down her throat in a desperate attempt to get her to stop waving her enormous red flags so he can get her into the fantasy suite. “Woman, can you please just stop making it so obvious that you are bat shit crazy and keep it together for 5 minutes so I can give you this letter from Our Host Chris Harrison inviting us to spend the evening NOT talking?”
Victoria is a snotty mess, wiping her eyes on her dress as she confesses to the camera that she loves Peter. I think she is feeling guilty realizing that there are real feelings involved and she’s shady. The small part of her that experiences human emotions is realizing that things are going to hit the fan, and Peter’s going to get hurt and she’s going to look like a real d-bag on national television. With one last drag of her hem under her eyes, she whisks Peter off to the fantasy suite to take their relationship deeper. (Barf).
It’s time for Madison and Peter to head on their date, which previews indicate will be just a lighthearted affair. Virgin Madi and Horn Dog Peter climb up stairs on the top of a super tall skyscraper.
While the two revel in spending time on top of the world, just the two of them, and the camera crew, the gals back at the hotel discuss the gauntlet that Madison threw down, about whether or not Peter could throw down. Victoria is, can you even believe it, annoyed. Her second most popular facial expression, closely following crying.
After a day of pretending Peter hasn’t spent the last 2 nights doing precisely what Madison told him not to do, Peter and Madison sit down for a lovely evening of conversation and crying. Peter clears his throat and begins the conversation, “So about the time you told me not to spend the night with anyone…” Madison tries to back track to soften her stance, “The last thing I wanted to do was give you an ultimatum.” That being said, let me reiterate, that if you slept with anyone else, I will be going home. Not an ultimatum. Just saying that if you sleep with someone else, you can’t ask me to marry you.”
We could have skipped this whole thing and right at the first hug, Peter could have been like, “Hey, I slept with the other girls, you still wanna do this?” But instead, Madison had to shimmy herself into her glittery dress, apply 5 coats of her most waterproof mascara, and practically ingest her entire bottom lip as her hopes are shattered. Madison can not believe that given the chance to spend the night with 2 beautiful women in the most romantic spaces ABC could muster, he did indeed choose to forego his individual room. Madison gathers up her courage and walks away, leaving Peter feeling all sorts of blue. Ahem. ABC is a jerk and will force to wait until next week, when it appears that Peter will well and truly lose the very tenuous grasp on his feelings, and have a royal come apart.
I ate a girl scout cookie for every time I felt awkward during this episode, and I ate an entire box of samoas. I am suing ABC for emotional damages.
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