I love a pumpkin spiced candle. I love pumpkin ice cream. I don’t like pumpkin pie, but I like pumpkin cheesecake! I am a pretty average pumpkin fan. I like it sometimes, and find it completely unnecessary at other times.
April loves everything pumpkin spice. Together, we are just two basic witches ready to taste and rate ALL OF THE PUMPKIN THINGS.
Thanks to our dedication to science, we can save you some time and disappointment and tell you what pumpkin spice things are worth it and what pumpkin spice things should never have been made. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should, people.
We tasted and ranked everything you see above, which is every pumpkin spice confection I could find at Trader Joes, Target, and my grocery store, and sorted them into three basic categories. YASSSSS QUEEEEN- the ones you gotta try. Weird flex but okay- the ones that weren’t gross but just weren’t necessary. And OH NO NO (In the style of Tom Haverford)- The ones that I find personally offensive and immoral.
Let’s get our pumpkin spice on.
YASSSSS QUEEEEN
These are the things pumpkin spice was made for. They didn’t just take a perfectly good for and dump some pumpkin spice seasoning on it. We loved these, and would buy them again.
Trader Joe’s Petite Pumpkin Spice Cookie
I mean, come on. How could these not be amazing? They are adorable, they have sprinkles, and they’re shaped like pumpkins. It’s a slam dunk. These are seriously perfect. The pumpkin spice is perfect, the coating is perfect, and all 3 of us loved them.
Rating: 10/10
Trader Joes Pumpkin Tortilla Chips
I did not expect to like these. What is pumpkin doing in a tortilla chip? But skepticism quickly turned to appreciation. These are dang good. Oh so slightly sweet, with all of the crunch and substance of a good tortilla chip. These are addicting, man.
Rating: 11/10
Trader Joes Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps
I ripped open this box in a frenzy while driving starving in the car. I ate one and thought “What the heck? I feel like I’m eating potpourri.” Then I ate another one and thought, “But I like it?? It’s weird and unexpected and I want another one.” And then I proceeded to eat half of the box. I can not explain why these are so stinking good. The little chewy cranberry pieces are so delicious. The rosemary flavor is unexpected and amazing. It doesn’t make sense, and yet it’s amazing.
Rating: 10/10
Clyde’s Glazed Pumpkin Cake Donut
I mean, come on. Who is surprised that these were amazing? Of course they are. I picked these up at my neighborhood King Soopers (a Kroger chain) and knew right off the bat they I would love them. I am not usually into cake donuts, but add some pumpkin spice and a glaze and I’m there, baby.
Rating: 10/10
Pumpkin Spice Life Cereal
People of the world! Spice up your life!
Get it? Like Spice Girls? Anyway… These are great. I already love Cinnamon Life, and this is like Cinnamon Life with a little pop o’ pumpkin spice. Yes, please.
Rating: 9/10
It might be a bold choice to include the humble oatmeal spice on the YASSS QUEEEN list, but I make the rules. And to earn a top spot, it had to be something I would buy and eat again. This was great! I can totally see myself buying this every fall for a little warm pumpkin spice oatmeal hug in the morning. Fantastic.
Rating: 8/10
We LOVED these. Toasted with a little butter? Have mercy. This was one of the only things we actually ate all of, and not just a little bite. Yes yes yes. I want one right now.
Rating: 9/10
WEIRD FLEX, BUT OK
Trader Joes Pumpkin Waffles
The mediocre score for these waffles isn’t because they’re gross. It’s because they’re just fine, and I wanted them to be amazing. I couldn’t taste any difference between these and your average Eggo waffle. It was fine. And I wanted more than fine.
Score: 6/10
Pumpkin Spice Shredded Mini Wheats
Add another tally to the “Not really different than the regular kind”. Aside from the slightly disconcerting bright orange coating, these tasted almost identical to regular mini wheats to me. Meh.
Score: 6/10
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Spice Madeline
I just wanted more from these. Maybe a glaze, or some chocolate or something? I don’t know. They were just a little boring. Don’t get me wrong, they were tasty, I just didn’t feel any need to finish mine. Life is too short for average tasting treats.
Rating: 7/10
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Biscotti
April and I both found these to be very uninspiring. Bland and overly crunchy and just not that good. But my neighbors loved them. Between the two of us, I still rate these guys about a 7. They’re fine! But we’ve discussed my opinion on treats that are “fine”. Why would you waste time when there are so many insanely delicious things out there to eat??
Rating: 7/10
Trader Joe’s A Pumpkin Walks Into a Bar
It’s a pumpkin nutragrain bar, guys. It’s nothing special. My 18 month old LOVES them, but he hates everything delicious and survives on Goldfish crackers and applesauce, so he’s not the authority on things that are delicious. If you’re already really into Nutragrain bars, first of all, why? But second of all, you’ll probably like these.
Rating: 6/10
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Frosted Toaster Pastries
How many times can I write “fine” on these reviews? These were, you guessed it, fine. They weren’t gross by any means. They just also weren’t that good.
Rating: 5/10
OH NO NO
Pumpkin Spice Kit Kat
These were truly horrific. A familiar Kit Kat water dunked into a fall scented candle and then wrapped and marketed to the unsuspecting public. My 4 year old loved these. But if gets to choose between a smartie and a brownie, he chooses the smartie every time, so he doesn’t get any votes. These are disgusting.
Rating: 0/10
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Spice Joe Joes
Man, I wanted to love these. They looked great. I love all seasonal Joe Joes. But these are two thumbs down, man. The cookie is bland and uninteresting, and the filling is greasy and gross. Yuck. However, my kids and the neighbor kids loved them.
Rating: 4/10
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Spice Granola Bark
April and I hated these. The chocolate was so bitter and thick, on top of flavorless granola. But I gave them away to my neighbors, because I knew they would love them. Maybe their taste buds are broken, because they frequently describe things as “too sweet” and “too rich” which are words not in my dessert vocabulary. And they loved these crumbled cardboard dipped in dirt things. So. If you are a regular human who likes treats, you will think they are gross. But if you are broken like my neighbors, maybe you’ll like them.
Rating: 3/10
Little Debbie Pumpkin Spice Roll
I’m getting nauseous just seeing the picture of these abominations. If you want to make them, here’s the recipe. Soak a kitchen sponge in pumpkin spice air freshening spray. Spread some crisco on it and roll it up. NASTAY BUSINESS, Y’ALL.
Score: Negative one million/10
Pumpkin Spice Milano
I enjoy Milanos! I enjoy pumpkin spice! Together, I want to throw them away. They are not a match. It’s a no from me, dog.
Rating: 2/10
Trader Joe’s Pumpkin O’s
The cashier at Trader Joe’s told me that she buys these by the case to have all year round. I think I need to go back and check on her, something must be wrong. These are just gross. The texture is very off putting. Weirdly crisp, like a pork rind. And the flavor is very off. It’s got disconcerting savory flavor that I do not care for one bit. Maybe I got a bad box. Maybe the cashier at Trader Joe’s was having a stroke. I can’t be sure.
Rating: 2/10
White Pumpkin Pie M&M
Shame on you, m&m. Shame, shame, shame. These are not m&ms. These are little balls of pumpkin candle, covered in a candy coating. And they are horrific. Even my kids and my neighbor’s kids, who are basically sugar garbage disposals, wouldn’t eat these. To add insult to injury, they look like peanut butter m&ms, AKA the best candy on earth. Oooo I’m totally gonna prank someone with these. Only someone who really really deserves it though, because these are foul.
Rating: I wish I was dead/10
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