You might have guessed this from my, well, everything, but I am a bit of a control freak.

Having kids really threw a wrench in the very mechanical gears of my brain.

Nothing inspires a kid to have explosive diarrhea or have an hour long meltdown about not being able to zip his jacket quite like a time sensitive activity.

All of this to say, I’ve learned how to let go.. Of some things.

We’re 10 minutes late because you had to poop AGAIN? Fine, we’ll roll with it. I have to shuffle around my errands because you are having a complete and utter meltdown and need to go home for an exorcism? We’ll adjust.

You woke up at 5:00 a.m. and now I want to murder everyone in the entire state of Colorado?

No. This can not happen. I can not roll with it. I can not adjust.

Sleep is really important to me.

I often tell people that the reason I adhere to fairly strict sleeping routines is not because I am a good mom. I never deviate from our routines because if I regularly have to interact with my children between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6:30 a.m., I will end up on the evening news.

I clock out at 8 p.m.! Mom is off duty! Unless a bodily fluid or imminent danger is involved, I just plain don’t wanna hear about it. I mean, if a bodily fluid is involved I still really do not want to hear about it, but feel duty bound.

Perhaps some of you are clutching your pearls and horrified at the idea of your kids being in bed, lonely or bored or not tired or whatever it is that causes you to spend time together in the middle of the night. And that’s fine. Truly! If you are functioning well and don’t fantasize about getting into a car accident that doesn’t injure you too bad but requires you to be hospitalized for a week where all you can do is sleep and watch TV (just me?…), then great! Whatever works for your family!

On the other hand…

 If you are slowly coming unraveled from your offspring boomeranging out of bed at bedtime and prying your eyelids open before the sun is up, maybe I can help.

These are tips for older babies that do not need to eat at night and big kids. You’ll notice I am not writing about baby sleep tips, because both of my boys were non-sleeping devices of torture at night until I night-weaned them. So. Head to google if you have a non-sleeping baby. But once you’re allowed to be meaner, errrr I mean, once they don’t eat at night, these tips are gold.

DISCLAIMER I LOVE MY KIDS BUT I LOVE SLEEP MORE OKAY MAYBE EQUALLY. If you think I’m a heartless monster, then don’t do these things! But let the record state that I am a well rested heartless monster. And my kids want to touch me at all times during the day and insist on accompanying me to the bathroom, so I don’t think our bond is suffering.

#1 “Start Out How You Can Hold Out”

BE CONSISTENT. If you aren’t ready to sit outside their room and chant “Get back in bed” every 3 minutes for 2 hours, don’t make that your plan. If you know you’ll cave and bring them in bed with you as soon as they cry, don’t even try cry it out. If you are ready for your kids to go to bed and stay there, you need to C-O-M-M-I-T. Kids can smell weakness. Ha. But I’m serious. If you cave when they protest, you have effectively just taught them “If you keep trying, I will give up. Be persistent! Never sleep! You’ve almost defeated me!” If you’re not ready to mean it, don’t even say it.

#2 Routines

I am thinking of legally changing my name to Amy Routine Reeves. I love routines and schedules. They are my love languages. Our bedtime routine happens like clock work every single night. No matter where we are. And we basically never deviate. Nope, not even for fun social events or parties or vacations. If that’s not you, that is TOTALLY FINE. But guess what? I don’t get more patient on vacation, and I don’t require less sleep while traveling, so get your skinny little buns in bed, Nateykins.

Our night time routine every single night:

6:45- Bath

7:00- Jammies, lotion, brush teeth, vitamins

7:15- Read 2 books

7:25- Say prayer, Sing night-night songs, hugs and kisses, see you in 12 hours.

And I’m out of there by 7:30. If I’m putting the two kids to bed by myself, Nate lays in bed and looks at books while I do the books and songs with Max, and then Nate goes to bed 10 minutes later. Sleep begets sleep, and (my) science has proven that kids that go to bed early are less likely to be sent to toddler boarding school.

Create an environment conducive to sleeping- Black out curtains and white noise are my best friends. I also limit the toys they have in their rooms to just books and stuffed animals.

#3 The “Get Out Of Bed” pass

Nate is allowed to get out of bed ONE time after bedtime, before he falls asleep. To go potty. To get a drink. To ask me why giraffes have such long tongues. Whatever. After that, he starts getting consequences. Most nights, he doesn’t get out of bed at all. I think he’s too busy thinking about what he’s going to use his one pass for. “Should I ask mom to tuck me in again or should I tell mom I saw a squirrel today? Hmm…” And then he falls asleep.

For subsequent attempts to exit the room, he loses screen time the next day, or loses toys/books in his bed.

OBVIOUSLY I am a loving, rational mother who would never demand he stay in there if something is truly wrong. But he can tell me all about the squirrel tomorrow.

#4 Stay put

This one might catch me some flack… And I will say again- do what works for YOU. But I am absolutely all about putting up a baby gate, putting on a door knob cover, etc., to keep your kids IN their room. Once they are in a toddler bed, I baby proof the crap out of their room- sliding outlet covers, furniture bolted to the wall, closets locked, etc. It is basically a giant crib in there now. When it is nap time or bed time, aside from previously mentioned bodily harm, this is where they are and this is where they shall stay.

If your biggest battle is boomerang kids that just keep getting up after bedtime, try a baby gate or toddler lock when you first put them down. They may bang on the door and cry and even fall asleep on the floor at first. This is okay. Truly. They are protesting the change the only way they know how. And after they are asleep, you can take down the gate or open the door if you’re not comfortable “locking” them in all night.

I personally am much more afraid of an unsupervised toddler wandering my house in the middle of the night than I am of a toddler being confined to their room. It is important to me to know they are safely in their beds/rooms at night, aside from it also being vitally important to me that they stay in their bed at bedtime and let me watch my shows.

#5 Be super un-fun in the middle of the night

When my baby wakes up in the middle of the night, I always wait 10 minutes before I go in. If he’s still crying, I go in to check that everything is okay. If there’s no fever, illness, etc., I do a “reset.” Lay him down, put his blanket back on him, and I’m outta there.

If he cries again, I wait 10 minutes again, and repeat. There is no playing, or taking him out of his room, or anything that might lead him to believe that being awake at night with me is a good time. I’m a needs-meeting robot. I will take care of you, but there will be no shenanigans.

If he is sick or scared or really worked up, I obviously do whatever I can to comfort him. But the end goal is always back asleep in his bed.

If Nate gets up for ridiculous reasons (like when he complained that the water in his water bottle was too cold. I’m still mad about it), I tell him it is not okay to wake up mom or dad for this, and reiterate the only reasons he should be getting out of bed at night. And then we talk about it again in the morning. I mean it, people. Homie don’t play.

#6 Decide your wake up time

I will not get Max (my one year old) out of his bed until 7:00 a.m. If he is crying a lot before then, I treat it like a middle of the night wake up. Go in, check for a problem, kiss him, and back to bed. I keep the room dark, we don’t play or talk, and business as usual.

If you have a super early riser and are trying to get them to sleep later, start by stretching how long you leave them in the crib/room. If they are awake but content, just let them hang out. They may even surprise you and go back to sleep!

This is a big one- DO NOT feed your kiddo until your designated wake time! Do this gradually if they are used to waking up at 5 a.m. and having breakfast. You want to train their metabolisms to need breakfast later. If they wake up early and aren’t happy in their crib/room, get them out and play with them but try to push back breakfast until your wake time.

#7 The okay to wake clock

This is MAGICAL. Click the picture to see the one we have. It’s programable from your phone and I am in love with it. It’s a member of the family. It comes with us when we travel. I have named it Harold.

We have the night light and white noise turn on at 7:20 p.m. This means bed time is imminent, time for books and songs. If Nate gets through his bedtime routine before it turns on, he’s rewarded with more stories, which he LOVES and is great incentive to not take 300 years to put on his pajamas. The wake up light turns green at 7:30. Nate is an innately rule following kid. The clock is the law to him.

Obviously, my 1 year old is too young for an okay to wake clock. So with him I rely on routine training, and not getting him out bed until the time I designate. Once he’s older, he’ll have one of these miracle clocks in his room too. There are cheaper and simpler ones all over Amazon.

#8 You are the grown up

Sometimes people say “My kid doesn’t want to go to bed” or “He doesn’t want to sleep alone.” Well… who gave them a vote? There is a reason kids don’t get left on the beach to fend for themselves like sea turtles. Left to his own devices, Nate would watch TV while bathing in a tub full of fruit snacks, until he gradually morphed into an unmoving gelatinous blob.

If your kid wanted Sour Patch Kids for dinner, would you throw your hands up and say “This is what he wants! He doesn’t want to eat dinner!”? I mean okay, not every dinner time battle is a victory. But the point is, we are trying our best to do what’s best for them, even when they would rather not.

I truly believe that long, restorative sleep is the very best thing for babies and kids. They may protest. They may protest very loudly. But it is still GOOD for them. And you are doing a GOOD thing by insisting that they get that sleep. They will still love you. And while I always love my kids, I like them a lot more when they sleep.